Awesome dirty naughty and some clean jokes

Down at the barn

 

 

 

A couple was going at it in a barn down on the farm. In the process, the condom slipped off.

The guy pokes around inside her with a straw and manages to lose that too.

Nine months later the doctor enters the waiting room where the father asks him what the baby is.

Doctor replies, “It’s a baby boy dressed in a little raincoat and a straw hat.

 

 

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard.

A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. “Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, “WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from

God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in Fellowship, feasting on God’s Holy Word, and praising Jesus.”

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, “You fellows don’t even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear.”

 

Old lady and athiest

There is a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky and shouted, “PRAISE THE LORD!”

One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady, so every morning he stepped onto his front porch after her and yelled, “THERE IS NO LORD!”

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day. Then one morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted, “Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!”

The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two bags of groceries sitting there. “PRAISE THE LORD!” she cried out.

The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted, “THERE IS NO LORD! I BOUGHT YOU THOSE GROCERIES!”

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, “PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!!”

 

 

Halloween Costume

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days. So the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume.

The husband yells at his wife, “What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear.”

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement.

The Husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom, and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, “What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!”

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping.

When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third is a towel.

 

The husband yells at the wife, “What the hell are these for?”

 

The wife yells back, “take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don’t like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don’t like THAT one, you can wrap the towel around your butt and go as the old spice man”

 

———————–

 

Husband and Wife charge for sex

A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband. “Don’t you love him anymore?” asked the lawyer.

“Oh, I still love him,” the chick replied. “But all he ever wants is sex, I can’t take it.”

“Instead of divorcing him why don’t you try charging him every time he wants to make love?” the lawyer suggested.

The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try. As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the hard word on her.

“Not so fast,” she replied. “From now on it’ll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom.”

“Well, then,” he said. “Here’s $50.”

The wife began walking to the bedroom.

“Hold on,” he said, grabbing her hand. “That’ll be five times in the kitchen!”

Two high school students

The quarterback of the football team and the best looking cheerleader have the hots for each other.

Look the final are just a week away, he says, we should revise together after school. The cheerleader agrees and after school they find a secluded spot. Rather than do it the way we did in class, I’ll show you a more fun way to learn this material.

Let’s do math first he says. So how are we going to practice Algebra asks the naive cheerleader. Here I have these dice, let’s take turns throwing them. When you throw whatever the number if you square it and then square root, that’s how many millimeters of your breasts you can expose. And what about you she asks? When it’s my turn I will show that many millimeters of my penis, see I have a ruler.

The cheerleader throws and they do the calculation and she has to show 2 mms of her breasts, so she opens her blouse and lets just a little bit of her nipple show. Then it’s the quarterbacks  turn, and he now has to show 4 mms of his penis. He opens his zip, and exposes the tip. They continue this way, until each one is fully exposed.

Now what asks the Cheerleader, let’s move onto Chemistry. Let’s see how my penis reacts to your breasts. I will stroke your breasts, and then you can measure how hard it is, and record. The Cheerleader gladly takes his lead, and makes a couple of recordings.

Now both are getting very turned on. So he says that leaves biology. Oh no she says, you mean we have to do the oral!

 

 

Breasts and tuner

An attractive woman meets a handsome young man in a coffee shop. She says to the young man, “My mouth is like a loud speaker, my two breasts are for tuning, left one is for tuning the channel AM or FM and my right breast is for adjusting the volume, which mode you want.”

The man was aroused and said, “I don’t believe it.”

She  said, “You can try it if you want”.

The guy  said, “Ok come to my hotel room and prove it to me.”

They agreed and both holding hands and headed for the hotel room. Upon entering the room the lady undresses herself and i stark naked. The man warms his hands and starts feeling the left nipple for AM/FM fine-tuning. After a while nothing happen. He changed to the right nipple and start rubbing with greater pressure. Again, nothing happened.

He said I have tried adjusting the dials but there is no response.”

“Silly” she said, “You forgot to PLUG IN your power.”

——

Woman Breastfeeding in Church

A woman is looking for a quiet place to breastfeed her child, so she goes to the confession box, thinking no one will be there during service. She has blouse open and undoes her bra and just starts to feed the baby and Paddy walks in. I have a confession to make says Paddy. Not knowing what to say she just blurts, go ahead. Wow goes paddy, a woman of the faith. Seeing paddy is a good looking guy, she decides to have some fun.  Actually the padre has the week off. Well  he says, you know it was a rough week, I have been feeling lonely, so I got drunk, and I have been watching pornography.

Well says the mother, I can keep you company, she looks below and finds a bottle and glass. Rather than watching porno, would you like to see the real thing. Paddy is so happy, sure he says. Peer through the screen, and you can see them. Sure enough Paddy looks through, and he gets really turned on. If you be a good man the rest of the week, you will get your reward she says. Well how do I know says Paddy. Pinky promise she says and they touch fingers.

The following week, the mother is again in the confession box, and again in walks Paddy. Well he says I have been trying to control my self, and so I kept myself clean. Feeling sorry for him, the young mother says, ok as you’ve been so good, if you put your fingers through the screen, I will let you feel my breasts. Paddy is elated and now he gets even more turned on. If you be a good man the rest of the week, you will get your reward she says. Well how do I know says Paddy. Double pinky promise and they touch fingers.

The third week, the mother is again in the confession box, and again in walks Paddy. Well he says I have been trying to control myself, and so I kept myself clean and been praying that I would meet you again. Well you are going to get your full reward. She opens her legs, and says give me your finger, and he puts it between her legs, and gets aroused. Now she says the second finger, and he is getting really turned on. Now put your whole hand in. Suddenly Paddy stops. Why did you stop Paddy, she asked? I realized once I go that far, how am I going to do the pinky promise!

Women and pilot

Three young mothers get into a competitive situation. The first one says, see my baby in the stroller, I can squeeze my breast and squirt the milk all the way into his mouth. Go ahead say the other two. Sure enough she undoes her blouse and bra, gets his attention and gets the milk to her baby.

The second says see that man sitting on the bench, I can squeeze my breast and squirt the milk all the way into his mouth. Sure enough she undoes her blouse and bra, gets his attention and gets the milk to him.

Now it is the third ones turn. See that plane flying over, I can squeeze my breast and squirt the milk all the way into the pilot’s mouth. She undoes her blouse and bra and with both breasts exposed she starts waving at the plane. The plane does a double take and comes back around at a much lower elevation and flies over the park. See said the other two there is no way you could feed the pilot. Oh yeah she says, wait till he lands.

 

Three women breastfeeding

A young man is taking a stroll in the park and he sees three moms breastfeeding their babies. On second look, he sees something odd, the brunette has a breast covered in chocolate, the redhead has one covered in brown syrup and the blonde in a green paste.

He approaches them, you know when I was growing up,  I was lucky to have my mom’s breast milk. But gosh, I never had different flavored milk like you are offering your babies. Seeing he is a good looking guy, who looks very innocent, the redhead says.

I can see you have a craving for it. Yes, yes he exclaims. She says well it would be embarrassing here, let’s go behind the bushes and you can try it out. So they go and there’s some wild noises coming from the bush. After a few minutes, they come out and he wipes his mouth.

That chocolate milk was wonderful. Now it’s the brunette’s turn and they go  behind the bushes, and again a couple of minutes later, he come out and he wipes his mouth. That syrupy milk was wonderful. Now it’s the blonde’s turn and they go to the back of the bushes. and again a couple of minutes later, he come out and he wipes his mouth.

This time, though he is in pain, water, water, no more milk he shouts as he runs away. What happened, ask the other two. Oh says the blonde, I guess the Jalapeño paste got to him, I am weaning my baby off breast milk!

 

 

Farmer and Rooster

There once was a farmer who had a few chickens. For financial reasons, the farmer wanted to increase the egg production from his chickens and go into business. And so, the farmer set out to buy a rooster. He drove across the county to another farm that had many chickens and roosters.

 

The first farmer asks, “I’d like to buy a rooster.”

 

The second farmer says, “No problem. What’s he for?”

 

The first farmer says, “I want a rooster so that my chickens can have more chickens and lay more eggs.”

 

The second farmer points to a rooster, “Okay. Take Brewster over there… he’ll do all your chickens for you.” The rooster he pointed out was lying on his back and breathing heavily.

 

The first farmer exclaims, “What? You’ve got to be kidding. That rooster is practically dead! He’s breathing like there’s no tomorrow.”

 

The second farmer says, “Don’t worry, he’ll do fine. I guarantee he’ll do all your chickens and you’ll end up with more eggs than you could ever imagine.”

 

Well, the first farmer thinks about it, and finally agrees, “Okay. A guarantee is a guarantee. Sold.” He scoops up Brewster and lays him in the back of his truck.

 

As soon as the farmer pulls into his yard, Brewster leaps out of the truck and grabs a chicken. After he’s done with one, he does another, and another…

 

The farmer says, “Take it easy Brewster! You’re going to hurt yourself!”

 

Brewster just waves, grabs another chicken, and nails that one too. He proceeds to do all the chickens just as the other farmer had promised. When he finishes the chickens, he runs after the dog, and does him too.

 

The farmer is starting to get a little worried.

 

Brewster then does the cat, the horse, and all the other farm animals too. He then starts chasing after the farmer’s wife!

 

Some time passes and the farmer can’t find Brewster anywhere. He looks everywhere and eventually finds the poor rooster on his back, motionless, with a flock of vultures circling overhead.

 

The farmer cries out to himself, “Oh no! I told him to be careful! Now look what’s happened.”

 

Brewster opens one eye and whispers, “Shhh! They’re about to land.”

Polar bear and son

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow.

The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, “Dad, am I 100% polar bear?”

“Of course, son, you’re 100% polar bear.”

A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, “Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?”

“Son, I’m 100% polar bear and your mother is 100% polar bear, so you’re certainly 100% polar bear.”

A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear again turns to his father and says, “Dad, don’t think your sparing my feelings if it’s not true. I really need to know… am I really 100% polar bear?”

Distressed by this continued questioning, the father polar bear finally asked his son, “Why do you keep asking if you’re 100% polar bear?”

“Because I’m freezing to death out here!”

The Boss

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ”How much is the yellow one?”

The assistant says, ”$2000.” The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it’s so expensive. The assistant explains, ”This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.”

”What about the green one?” the man asks.

The assistant says, ”He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.”

”What about the red one?” the man asks.

The assistant says, ”That one’s $10,000.”

The man says, ”What does HE do?”

The assistant says, ”I don’t know, but the other two call him boss.”

Feetless Parrot

A guy is not getting along with his wife. He thinks maybe he’d

like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around

he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. He notices that it

doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud,

 

“Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot.”

 

“I was born this way,” says the parrot. “I’m a defective parrot.”

 

“Ha, ha,” the guy laughs. “It sounded like this parrot actually

understood what I said and answered me.”

 

“I understood every word,” says the parrot. “I am a highly

intelligent, thoroughly educated bird. ”

 

“Yeah?” the guy asks. “Then answer this: how do you hang onto

your perch without any feet?”

 

“Well,” the parrot says, “this is a little embarrassing, but

since you asked I’ll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis

around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can’t see

it because of my feathers.”

 

“Wow,” says the guy, “you really can understand and answer, can’t

you?”

 

“Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with

reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion,

sports, physics, philosophy … and I am especially good at

ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion.”

 

The guy looks at the price tag. “$200!” he says. “I can’t afford

that.”

 

“Pssst,” the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing.

“Nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can get me for

$20 — just make an offer.”

 

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational. He’s funny, he’s interesting, he’s a

great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good

advice. The guy is delighted.

 

One day he comes home from work and the parrot says,

 

“pssst,” and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up

close to the cage.

 

“I don’t know if I should tell you this or not,” says the parrot,

“but it’s about your wife and the mailman…”

 

“What?” says the guy. “What?”

 

“Well,” the parrot says, “when the mailman came to the door today

your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the

mouth.”

 

“What happened then?” asks the guy.

 

“Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown

and began petting her all over,” reports the parrot.

 

“Oh No!” the guy says, “Then what?”

 

“Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began

to lick her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down

and down …”

 

The parrot pauses for a long time.

 

“Then what… what happened next… WHAT HAPPENED?” says the

frantic guy.

 

“I don’t know,” says the Parrot, “that’s when I fell off my

perch.”

Man in lingerie store

A man walks into a lingerie store. With the typical confused look, he browses the bras. An attractive sales attendant comes to assist. I’d like to buy a bra for my girlfriend, but I don’t know what size she is. Seeing he is a handsome looking guy, she says come into the back and you can look at mine. Of to the back they go, and she undoes her shirt and bra. By this time he’s really turned on. It’s hard for me to tell, by just looking at them. Go ahead you can touch them to feel their size. So he get’ even more turned on. I kind of get the idea, but just to be sure can I suck them. She looks both ways, but says make it quick. Now the passion is really building up, and he pauses. Now what she asks? I need panties for her too!

Mother and innocent daughter

A very ‘straight and honest’ girl is going to Town. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice: “Daughter, when you’re in Town and if you’re looking for a match there, you must take note of the following the requirements mother set for you. You must find a man that is faithful’, ‘thrifty’ and must be a ‘virgin’.

With this advice from her mother, the girl went to Town. After some months later, she came home to get her mother’s blessings to marry.

“Mother, I’ve met the my match following your instructions. My future husband is faithful because when we went out for holiday one day, he took care of me specifically even though there were so many prettier girls around. Isn’t that being faithful?”

Her mother nodded in agreement.

“Then, since the day was getting late in the night and rain was pouring, my boyfriend decided that we stay the night at a hotel. He also suggested that in order not to spend too much, they’ll share one room only. Isn’t he not thrifty guy?”

For the second time her mother nodded her head in agreement, but with a little concern.

“And finally mom…, I know he is a virgin”

“How did you know he is still a virgin?” The mother asked with trepidation. “MMM…his ‘that one’ is still new and hard…. All wrapped up in plastic, mom !”

Man and girlfriend downtown

A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.

He asks her to “go downtown” so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.

After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, “Well, just what are you doing?”

She replied, “I’m doing what I always do when I’m downtown with no money just looking.”

 

Little boy and girl

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

“Hello,” said the little boy.

“Hi,” replied the little girl.

“Where are you going?” asked the little boy.

“I’ve been to church this morning and I’m on my way home,” answered the little girl.

“Me too,” replied the little boy. “I’m also on my way home from church.”

“Which church do you go to?” asked the little boy.

“I go to the Baptist church back down the road,” replied the little girl. “What about you?” “I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill,” replied the little boy.

 

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they’d walk together. A bit later, they came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

“If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom’s going to skin me alive,” said the little girl.

“My Mom’ll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet,”replied the little boy.

“I tell you what I think I’ll do,” said the little girl “I’m gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.”

“That’s a good idea,” replied the little boy. “I’m going to do the same thing with my suit.”

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked.

“You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and Methodist.”

—–

Texas Rancher and lady in negligee

Texas Rancher was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 40 something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, “Would you like to buy some peaches?”

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, “Are they as firm as this?”

He nodded his head and sai, “Yes ma’am,” and a little tear ran from his eye Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, “Are they nice and pink like this?”

The farmer said, “Yes,” and another tear came from the other eye.

Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, “Are they as fuzzy as this?”

He again said, “Yes,” and broke down crying. The lady asked, “Why on earth are you crying?”

Drying his eyes he replied, “The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn and now I’m gonna get screwed out of my peaches.”

 

Game hunter on Safari

A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter’s wife awakened to find her mother gone. She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was standing face to face with a ferocious lion.

“What are we going to do?” his horrified wife asked.

“Nothing,” her husband replied, “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”

 

Newlywed virgins

The newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon suite, and it turns out that they are both virgins. Brought up the old traditional way, neither of them really knows how to have sex. So after about half a painful hour of abortive attempts to get it on, an idea occurs to the husband.

“OK, honey,” he says, “this is what we’ll do. I’ll go into the closet and you go into the bathroom. We’ll both get undressed and turn off the lights in the bedroom. And then on the count of three we’ll both rush out at each other and then it will just happen in the middle of the bedroom.”

The wife is a bit unsure about this, but since she doesn’t have any better ideas she agrees. So, the husband goes into the closet and the wife goes into the bathroom and they both get undressed. The anticipation is driving the husband mad and as he takes off his clothes he begins to get an enormous erection.

The wife turns off the lights and on the count of three they both rush out into the bedroom towards each other. However since the room is dark the husband gets disoriented and runs by his wife…right into the dresser. He hits his willy against the dresser so hard that he passes out from the pain.

The next thing he remembers is coming to in a hospital bed, with a doctor looking down at him. His throbbing tool is still so painful that he moans to the doctor, “Doc, doc, how bad is it?”

To which the doctor replied, “That’s nothing son. Wait till you see your wife! We still haven’t gotten her off the doorknob yet.”

 

Two older guys and assembly line

Two guys  were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn’t keep Joe from boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance.

“Three times,” gasped Manny admiringly. “How’d you do it?”

“It was easy.” Joe looked down modestly. “I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I’ll tell you.”

“I gotta try it,” said Manny. “Lorraine won’t believe it’s happening.”

So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep.

He woke up feeling like a million

bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him.

“What’s up, Boss?” he asked. “I’ve been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren’t going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?”

“What twenty minutes?” growled the boss. “Where the hell were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?”

 

Lion and lioness

A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, ‘Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?’

 

The trembling monkey says, ‘You are, mighty lion!

 

Later, the lion confronts a deer and bellows, ‘Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?’

 

The terrified deer stammers, ‘Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!’

 

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to a lioness. He is really attracted to her as he tries to mount her roars, ‘Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?’

 

Fast as lightning, she ducks out of the way and he lands head-on to a tree. She then squishes his member with her paw, and he yells out in pain. The lion hollered after the lioness, ‘Damn, just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so pissed off.’

 

Country pastor and wife

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. “How could you do this!” he exclaimed.

“I don’t know,” she wailed, “I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, ‘Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'”

“Well,” the pastor persisted, “You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, “Get behind me, Satan!”

“I did,” replied his wife, “but then he said “It looks great from back here, too!”

 

Stingy man and death

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”

 

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the

ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!” She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So, her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband?”

The loyal wife replied,” Listen, I’m a Christian, I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?”

“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”

 

Divorced woman and genie

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.

The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills.

The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds her again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points down the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.

Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.

“No problem,” said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. “For my last wish … I’d like to give birth to twins.”

 

Wife and headaches

A wife happily back home and breaks good news to her husband, “Remember those ‘not tonight honey I have headache’ I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.”

“No more headaches?” the amazed husband inquires, “How is that, my darling wife?”

His wife replies, “I had mercy on you, so I took advise from Manisha and went to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat ‘I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.’ It worked! The headaches are all gone. Good for you.”

 

The husband replies, “Well, we are back in game that is wonderful.”

His wife then says, “You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don’t you go see my hypnotist and see if he can do something for that chill in you?”

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later in the bedroom and jumps on top of her and makes a passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife exclaims, “My love, that was delightful!”

The husband says again, “Let’s continue, don’t move! I will be right back.”

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back for round two and by golly it was even more exciting than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom to see the hypnotic therapy, she sees him standing at the mirror naked and talking to his penis, and swinging it left to right and back. “Just imagine instead of two its a threesome, three, three!”

Free drinks

A man and his girlfriend were trying to figure out how to get some drinks for free. They only had a dollar in change between them. “I’ve got it, follow me.” said the guy.

They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. “We’ll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I’ll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off.”

The girlfriend agrees to this and they start their rounds.

When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer. The bartender tells them, “That will be three dollars.”

The man  stands up and upzips his fly. The girlfriend drops to her knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.

“Disgusting!” screams the bartender. “Get the hell out of here!”

They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the man unzips his fly, and the girlfriend drops to her knees. The bartender throws them out.

After the sixth bar the girlfriend complains, “this isn’t working out so well, My knees are killing me!”

“You think you’ve had it bad,” the man exclaims. “I lost the hotdog four bars ago!”

Man and Genie

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says “Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.”

The man says “Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.”

Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, “Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.”

Phoof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.”

Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

Doctor and diagnostic machine

This guy goes to the doctor due to a wicked headache that’s been hanging around for over a week.  He asks the doc if he could provide something to make it go away.  The doc has just purchased a new diagnostic machine (similar to those used to diagnose car problems, except this one diagnoses humans), and he’s been dying to try it out on his first patient.  He says to the guy “not only will this thing tell you what’s wrong with you, but it will even prescribe a remedy. All you need to do is provide a urine sample, which I will then pour into this funnel at the top.”

The guy does as instructed, the doc pours the sample into the analyzer, then after about 20 seconds of beeping noises, buzzing, and flashing lights the machine spits out a piece of paper into the bottom tray. The doc picks up the paper, reads it, and then says, “you have tennis elbow”. The guy says, “that doesn’t make sense. I don’t even play tennis, and my elbow feels fine. My head on the other hand is fucking killing me…”  At this point the doc interrupts and says, “nonsense, this device doesn’t lie. I want you to go home and soak that elbow overnight and then come back and see me tomorrow morning, and don’t forget to bring another urine sample with you.”  The guy leaves, but on the way home decides that this doctor is useless and he has no idea.  Once home, he finds a mason jar and deposits a small urine sample into it.  He then gets his wife to make a contribution.  He then asks the neighbors busty wife, to also make a donation.

Not satisfied with this he scrapes some oil off the garage floor under where his car is parked and drops that into the mix, drops that into the jar, seals the lid, and then gives the concoction a good shake.  “There ya go, doc. Stick that up your computer!”  Next morning he hands the doc the jar.  Doc pours the contents into the machine.  This time it takes a full 10 minutes for the paper to drop. Doc picks it up and begins reading: “Your wife’s pregnant, your good looking neighbors wife is having an affair, your Volvo needs an oil change, and if you don’t stop this nonsense you’ll never get rid of this tennis elbow!”

 

Paddy’s Wheelbarrow Sex

Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life.

Paddy said, “I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight.”

His wife asked, “What is that?”

Paddy told her, “You bend over, put your hands on the floor Then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!”

His wife said, “Hmm, okay, I’ll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second, … we don’t go down past my mother’s house!”

Mike and Maureen on Mars

The year is 2050 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock-market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen.

“Pretty much the way you do,” responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a huge, weeny about a foot long.

I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen. “Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?” “Well,” she replies, my Vagina isn’t that big. Don’t worry he says. Let’s have some foreplay and as we get excited it will shrink. So he fondles her breasts and it shrinks a couple of inches, then she gives him oral sex, and it shrinks a little more, but it’s still too big. ok he says, He gets some ice cold water, and it shrinks a little more. But it’s still too long. Don’t worry he says we have equipment here that can help. So they both get on opposite sides of a trapeze, and they start swinging. They continue swinging and each time he enters her it shrinks, until they are able to make deep passionate love.

The next morning Maureen meets Mike, and they ask each other how was it? Wonderful says Maureen, I had the most exciting sex ever. How was it for you, she asked. Horrible he said,  my members frozen, I’m dizzy, all night long we did acrobatics, and I still couldn’t reach her!

Italian, a Frenchman and a Spanish man 

An Italian, a Frenchman and a Spanish man  are being entertained at a crazy Japanese mini-golf course in the red light district. It’s crazy as instead of a golf hole, there is a naked woman sitting at each hole.

The Italian tees off, off and hits a fantastic shot through the hole of the fingers of the naked woman. The  host  who knows a small amount of Italian says: “Buon tiro”, which means “Good shot”. The Italian businessman replies: “Grazie”. The Frenchman and Spanish repeat it.

Now the Frenchman tees off, off and hits a gentle shot over the vagina of another naked woman, between her breasts and into the hold . The  host  who knows a small amount of French says: “Tir fantastique”, which means “Fantastic shot”. The French businessman replies: “Merci”.

Now the Spanish, tees off towards a naked woman who has her legs wide open. He hits the ball and it goes straight in the hole!  Agujero equivocado shouts the host. The Spanish businessman replies: “What do you mean, wrong hole?”

Husband and Wife in Museum

A husband and wife attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery in Cheyenne, Wyoming were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a bench looking very exhausted just outside the entry to a tunnel of a huge mine. Two of the guys had black organs, but the one in the middle had a pinkish pen*s.

The black curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. “In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pinkish penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”

After the curator left, a distinguish old man approached the couple and with an impish twinkle in his eyes said, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about.”

“The curator of the gallery has explained it to us. It’s okey, we don’t need another interpretation?” said the husband.

But the wife is fascinated by the sly smile of the old man. She said, “wait, why would you know more than the curator?”

“Because I’m the guy who painted it,” he replied. “The truth is that those 3 men are not African-Americans,” the man said.

“What are they?”, the now drawn husband asked.

“They’re three young coal-miners. And they’re all white”, answered the old man.

As he turn his back to the baffled couple, he give them a wink, a mischievous grin then added, “the guy in the middle is just back from home after having lunch with his wife.”

Man and woman go to a cemetery

A young man and woman go to a cemetery, strip and start getting fruity. They open a bag of M&Ms and start laying them on each others bodies and lick and eat them.

A few minuets later a drunkard on his way from a bar passes near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying: “One for me, one for u. One for me, one for u.” he immediately sobers up and runs as fast as he can to the church near by for a priest.

“Father please come with me, come and witness  what’s going on in cemetery.” They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued: “One for me, one for u, one for me, one for u…”

Suddenly the voice stopped counting and says: “What about the two at the gate?”

The priest is scared out of his wits and runs pass the gate, shouting we’re not dead yet…!

 

Marco Polo

One day a young woman was staying at her boyfriends parents house. The boyfriend and her had to share the top bunk in his little brothers room. Her boyfriend was really horny so he whispered “Say Marco to go faster and Polo to stop.”

So the boyfriend began to thrust in and out of her. “Marco!” The girl hissed. A few seconds later she cried “Marco!” After a few minutes of thrusting the girl screamed “MARCO!”

“I’m trying to get some sleep, here “Polo” shouted the brother.

 

Making cakes

One day a girl was with her mom in the park and saw two teens having s*x on the bench. The little girl asked her mom, “Mommy, what are they doing?”

The mom was blushing and replied, “Oh their making cakes.”

The next day the girl and the mom went to the zoo and saw two monkey having s*x. The little girl asked again, “Mommy, what are they doing?”

Again the mother replied, “Oh their making cakes.”

The next day, the little girl confronted her mom, “Mommy, I know you and daddy we’re making cakes last night.”

The mom was frightened and asked, “How did you know?”

The little girl replied, “I saw the icing on the couch!”

Newly married couple

Newly married couple both nymphomaniacs, husband comes downstairs in the morning and the wife asks what he’d like for breakfast “Oh I think I’ll have a sex please!”

So they go upstairs have a sex then he goes to work. Husband comes home for lunch, “What would you like for lunch dear?”

“Oh I think I’ll have a sex please!” So again they sex and he returns to work.

Half hour later he walks in the house and finds his wife sliding up and down the banister!

“What are you doin?” he asks. “I’m warming up your dinner!!”

Tattoo on penis

This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride’s name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they’re on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men’s room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal.

 

To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis. “Excuse me,” he says, “but I couldn’t help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?” “No way, mon, I work for the Tourist board. Mine reads, “Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day.'”

 

Nervous Passenger

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die!” she wails.

Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??”

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

 

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. He was gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: “Iron

Pedro and Maria

Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a “man about town” so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.

Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said, “Oh Pedro, what is that?”

Pedro being very quick thinking said, “Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these.” And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for, and Maria was happy.

The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.

“Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too.”

Thinking fast, Pedro said, “Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those.”

Maria being very stupid accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night.

Pedro went off to work again the next morning and when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch.

Pedro said, “Maria, what is the matter now?”

“Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!!”

 

A traveling salesman

A traveling salesman’s car breaks down in the middle of nowhere.

So he goes looking for help, and eventually finds a lone farmhouse. Spying a light, he goes up to the door and knocks.

“Hi. My car broke down a while back. Got a phone I can use to call for help?” he asks the farmer when he opens the door.

“Nope,” he’s told. “I ain’t got no phone here. But if you want, I can give you a ride into town in the morning to get some help.”

The salesman agrees, and the farmer shows him to his room.

“What’s that?” he asks, spying a wall of eggs.

“My daughter, the most beautiful creature in the world, is behind that wall,” the farmer explains. “Now, come morning, if any of them eggs are broke, I’m gonna kill you. Understand?”

The salesman agrees to this, and turns in to bed. Later that night, though, he hears the daughter moaning from behind her wall, and finally he can’t control himself anymore. He has to see this beauty. Rushing through the wall, he finds that she’s even more beautiful than her father said, and she’s quite ready to have fun. They spend the whole night making wild passionate love.

The salesman is woken by the rooster in the morning, and he hears the farmer climbing the stairs. In a panic, he grabs a jar of glue and starts gluing the eggshells back together. He has just finished putting the last egg into the wall when the farmer bursts into the room.

“So, you managed to control yourself,” the old man says, looking at the intact wall. “Come on down, and I’ll make you breakfast.”

So saying, he grabs a couple of eggs from the wall. The salesman is petrified as he sits at the breakfast table. He knows that the eggs the farmer picked are empty, and he knows the farmer will catch on to what happened.

The farmer cracks open an egg.

Nothing.

He cracks open a second egg.

Again, nothing.

He cracks a third egg.

Nothing.

“Hmm,” he says, looking right at the salesman, a frown appearing on his face. “The damn rooster’s been using rubbers again!”

 

Young woman getting on bus

A young woman, wearing a tight leather mini-skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket, was waiting for the city bus.

When the young woman stepped up to board the bus, she quickly realized that her skirt was too tight. The embarrassed young woman reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little. She hoped this would give her enough slack to climb the stairs onto the bus. Much to her chagrin, though, that didn’t help.

A big Texan, who was in line behind the embarrassed, young woman, gently lifted her from the waist and helped her onto the bus.

 

As expected, the young woman went ballistic, and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, “How dare you touch me! I don’t even know who you are!”

The big Texan drawled, “Well ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but since you were unzippin’ my fly, I kinda figured that we was friends!”

 

A man walks into a sperm bank

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares I’m of royal blood and an I.Q. of 165, I’d like to make a donation.

The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room.

20 minutes later the man hasn’t come out, the nurse knocks on the door. “Is there a problem?”

“I’m so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?

The nurse replied “I don’t usually do this but you are kinda cute…”

She gets on her knees and begins to blow him.

“I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!”

 

Woman and sexual class

A young woman went to an evening class to improve her sexual capabilities. When she gets there, she sees an apple, an orange and a pear hanging on strings from the ceiling, and a piece of chalk and a black-board. “What is all this for?” she asked.

The instructor tells her to stand between the hanging fruit, and she does. “Now,” said the instructor, “swing your hips to the left and touch the apple, now swing your hips to the right and touch the pear, then swing your hips forward and touch the orange.”

The young woman starts to rotate her hips, and soon gets a good rhythm going. “This is great,” she said enthusiastically “but what is the chalk for?”

“When you’ve got the hang of the fruit,” said the instructor, “I want you to put the chalk in your mouth and write ‘Mississippi’ on the black-board twenty times.”

 

Joe and Apartment

Joe rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it’s quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe.

Poor Joe breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, “Let’s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming…”

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Being completely nude, she purrs at him, “What would you say is my best feature?” The flustered, embarrassed Joe stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, “Oh, it’s got to be your ears!”

She’s astounded! “Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They’re full, don’t sag, and they’re 100% natural! My buns – they’re firm and don’t sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven’s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!”

Clearing his throat once again, Joe stammers – “Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.”

I wanna talk to mah horse!

A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of Indians. The Indians were all prepared to kill him when the chief announced that due to the celebration of the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he would die. “What do you want for your first wish?” asks the chief.

“I wanna talk to mah horse!” says the cowboy. He goes over to his horse and whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. He takes a feather and puts it in the horses collar.

A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt. “What do you want for your second wish?” says the chief.

“I wanna talk to mah horse!” says the cowboy. Again, the cowboy whispers in the horses ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with two naked women on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. He takes two feathers and puts them in the horses collar.

The cowboy stumbles out a little while later, and the chief asks the cowboy “What do you want for your last wish?”

“I wanna talk to mah horse!” says the cowboy. He grabs the horse by the ears, and the horse collapses on all fours. What did you say to the horse asked the Indians? Oh just that I wanted to be a chief for the day.

Annual checkup

During her annual checkup, the attractive woman was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. “Doctor…” she replied shyly, “I feel uncomfortable undressing in front of you.”

“All right,” said the physician, “I’ll flick off the lights.

You undress and tell me when you’re done.” A few moments later her voice called out from the darkness, “Doctor, I’ve undressed.

What should I do with all my clothes?” “Put them on the chair, on top of mine.”

Two Deaf people

Two deaf people get married.

During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. “Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals?

For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.”

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.

If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis……fifty times”

 

And with this, good night.

—-

Genie

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, “Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want.” The Russian begins thinking, “Well I really like drinking vodka.” Finally the Russian says, “I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka.” The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it’s clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, “Natasha, Natasha, come quickly.” She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up. Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. She gets the glass but asks him “Boris, why do we only need one glass?” Boris raises the glass and says, “Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle.”

 

New Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple named Sam and Helen are vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots and seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly. He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different, Helen?” Helen looks him over, “Nope.” Sam says excitedly, “Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?” Helen looks again and again says, “Nope.” Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything DIFFERENT?” Helen looks up and says, “Sam, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.” Furious, Sam yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!” To which Helen replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, shoulda bought a hat.”

Orange juice

A woman was breastfeeding her baby in the park when a young boy sat down next to her. “What does the baby have to drink?” asked the boy. “Just milk and orange juice,” she replied. After a few moments’ thought, the little boy asked: “Which one is the orange juice?”

Birds On A Penis

Mrs. Cohen, Mrs. Levy, and Mrs. Lefkovitz are discussing their sons. Mrs Cohen says, “Now my Sheldon, what a man! A world famous lawyer, he is, with big shot clients, a mansion in Beverly Hills, a summer home in Hawaii. He has a beautiful wife, and everything a man could want in the world. “Mrs. Levy says, “That’s nice. Lemmie tell you about my son Johnathan. He is a doctor, a world-famous researcher. He travels across the world on conferences, talks, lectures. He was nominated for a Nobel prize in Medicine. What a man!”Mrs. Lefkowitz says, “My Hershel, he’s an engineer. Now, he makes maybe $35,000 a year, and he’s not famous. But his Pee Pee is so long, you can line up ten pigeons in a row on it.”The ladies sip their tea for a while. Then, Mrs. Cohen says, “Actually, I got a confession to make. Sheldon’s an up-and-coming lawyer in Los Angeles, but he doesn’t have a mansion or a summer home. He’s a bright young man with a good future.”Mrs. Levy says: “Well, I got a confession too. Johnathan is a good doctor, and he got his share of scholarships, but a Nobel prizewinner, he isn’t.” They all look expectantly at Mrs. Lefkowitz.”Well, all right, I’ll tell the truth too. The last bird gotta stand on one leg.”

You Don’t Have to Smoke and Drink

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her.

He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, “Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?”

“Why Yes, that would be nice,” the lady responded.

Well, the gentleman couldn’t believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina.

When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, “Would you like a cocktail before dinner?”

“Oh, no,” said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood, “What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?”

Well, our gentleman was setback a bit, so he didn’t say much until after dinner. When he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, “Would you like a smoke?”

“Oh my goodness no!,” said the woman “I couldn’t face my Sunday School class if I did.”

Our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn.

 

He’d been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, “Ahhh . mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?”

“Sure, that would be nice,” she said in anticipation.

The gentleman couldn’t believe his ears, and did a fast U turn right then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in.

The next morning after a wild and passionate night, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, “What have I done?

He shook her awake and pleaded, “I’ve got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?”

The lady said, “The same thing I always tell them. ‘You don’t have to smoke and drink to have a good time'”

Three women were talking about their love lives

The first said “My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated.”

The second said “Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful.”

The third said “Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it’s still going.”

Three wishes

One day, an old woman was sitting in her rocking chair on her front porch. Beside her slept her mangy, old hound, Rex. Suddenly, a genie appeared, startling the old woman.

“Old woman,” the genie said, “I felt sorry for you sitting here looking old and tired, so I decided to grant you three wishes.”

The old woman thought about it and said, “Well, I’ve always wanted to be a young, beautiful princess.”

*Poof* The genie turned her into a young, beautiful princess.

The princess thought some more and said, “A princess should live in a castle, so could you do something about this old shack?”

*Poof* The old shack was transformed into a huge castle.

Again the princess thought then asked,”Shouldn’t a beautiful princess have a handsome prince?”

The genie looked around and spotted Rex.

*Poof* Rex was transformed into a handsome Prince.

“Well, my work here is done,” the genie said and he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

The princess gazed at Rex the handsome prince and felt heart beating rapidly for he was the most handsome man she had ever seen. Rex, the handsome prince, strolled up the the beautiful princess and kissed her passionately. She melted in his arms and cried, “Take me Rex! Take me now!”

Rex then whispered in her ear, “Bet you’re sorry that you had me neutered now!”

Breastfeeding in a Bus

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when

the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby..

 

The baby wouldn’t take it, so she said,

“Come on sweetie, eat it all up or

I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”

 

Five  minutes later, the baby was still

not feeding, so she said,

“Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give

it to this nice man here.”

 

A few minutes later,

the anxious man blurted out,

 

“Come on kid.

Make up your mind!

I was supposed to get off four stops ago!

3 Ladies and son

3 ladies are sitting in the park breast feeding their babies, a white lady,a black lady, a chinese lady.

. the white lady also had her 5 year old son with her. the little boy looks up at his mom and says,’ since your white do you breast feed white milk?’ the mom laughs and says yes. then the boy sees the black lady and asks is mom, since shes black, does she breast feed chocolate milk? the mom laughs and says ‘yes’. Then he sees the Chinese lady and is confused. He asks her what kind of milk do you feed your baby. She thinks twice and says butter milk!

Paddy and breast feeding

Paddy is walking down the Blackpool prom one day and he sees a mother breast feeding her baby boy. Paddy stops to speak to the mother. “That’s what I like to see natural breast-feeding, I was raised on that” . The young mother tells Paddy to clear off. Paddy continues, “No seriously I was raised on the stuff, look at me, tall, lots of muscles, and really fit, looking at the baby breast feeding takes me back to my childhood”, he pauses…., “can I try breast feeding on the other breast”. The young mother says again, “Get away with you Paddy”. Paddy says convincingly “You’ve got plenty of breast milk for baby, and he doesn’t need the other breast”. The young mother looks and Paddy and thinks, well he is good looking, fit and lots of muscle, “Come over here Paddy and you can get on the other breast”. Paddy being sucking on the other breast, after five minutes the young woman has become more relaxed and is starting to get aroused ,panting slightly, she lies back and whispers to Paddy “Paddy ….. is there anything else you want ?” Paddy asks “err….have you got any Farleys Rusks”

 

Breast fed

A young woman with a baby was shown into the examining room with a sickly child. The

doctor examined the baby and then asked the woman, “Is he breast fed

or bottle fed?”

“Breast fed,” replied the woman.

“Strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.

The woman did as she was told and the doctor examined her breasts.

He squeezed and pulled each one for a while and then he sucked hard on

each nipple. Finally he remarked, “No wonder this child is suffering

from malnutrition. You don’t have any milk!”

“That’s right,” said the woman. “This is my sister’s child.”

“Well,” said the startled doctor. “I had no idea. You shouldn’t have

come.”

“I didn’t,” replied the woman, “until you started sucking on my second

breast.”

Identifying the man

Four  women were returning to their Hungarian village when they spotted a handsome man, drunk and staggering, walking ahead of them.

As they watched him stumbling, he fell face down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him.

However, his face was so covered with mud so she cleaned up his eyes. She remarked, “Well, he’s not my husband.”

The second woman peering over bent over and asked the other women to turn their backs. She unzipped his pants and massaged his ding-aling. She then said “He’s not my husband either.”

The third woman asked the other women to turn their backs and she exposed her breasts to him, got him excited and then gave him oral sex. Then she spat out, Naah she said “He’s not my husband either.”

The fourth, asked the other women women to turn their backs and she lifted her skirt and seated the man. After a few grunts she said,  “He’s not from our village.”

An old Arab

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years.  He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak.  His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail.  He explains the problem: “Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can’t plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father.”  The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: “Beloved Father, please don’t touch the garden. It’s there that I have hidden ‘the THING’. I love you, too, Ahmed”  At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can’t find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.  A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. “Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That’s all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed.”

Three women and missing husband

Three women sit in a beauty parlor talking about their husbands.  The first woman says, “Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn’t there!” “I know!” the next woman says, “Last night my husband said he was going to his brother’s house, but when I called he wasn’t there.” The third woman says, “I always know where my husband is.” “Impossible!” both women exclaim, “He has you completely fooled!” “Oh no,” says the woman.  “I’m a widow.”

Elevator

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, “That will teach you to pinch!” Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, “I…I…didn’t pinch that girl.” “Of course you didn’t” said his wife, consolingly. “I did.”

Gifts from Husband

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, “I bet you don’t know what day this is.”  “Of course I do,” he irritatingly answered, going out the door to the office.  At 11 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a bouquet of red roses.  At 2 PM, a two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived.  Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.  The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home.  “First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!” she exclaimed.  “I’ve never had a more wonderful ‘Independence day’ in all my life!”

Boy on a date

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: “My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.” The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy’s nervousness builds. He remembers his father’s advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: “Do you like spinach?” She says “No,” and the silence returns. After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father’s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, “Do you have a brother?” Again, the girl says “No” and there is silence once again. The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father’s advice and asks the girl the following question: “If you had a brother, would he like spinach?”

Three guys

Three guys talk in a coffee shop.  Two discuss how they are king in their castles and how much their wives respect them.  The third guy remains quiet. Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks, “What about you?  Do you rule your roost?” The quiet guy says, “Well, just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees.” “What happened then?” they ask. “She said, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'”

Old couple

An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in a honeymoon suite.  All night long, the bellboy hears laughing and clapping sounds from their room. The next morning, he asks the old man how he can do it all night at his age. The husband replies, “First, I remove my clothes. Then, I lie down on the bed face up. Then, my wife removes her clothes and lifts up my penis with one hand, and we make a bet. If it falls to left when she lets go, I win; if it falls to right, she wins.” The bell boy asks, “Well, what if it doesn’t fall?” “Then we both win,” says the old man.

How to Impress

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN Arrive naked …

Barber shop

A man walks into a barber shop and says, “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.” The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes. The man says, “You and I should spend some time in a hotel room.” She replies, “My husband wouldn’t like that.” The man says, “Tell him you’re working overtime, and I’ll pay you the difference.” She says, “You tell him.  He’s the one shaving you.”

Three couples, nurse, telephone operator, and school teacher

Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy. The first man married a nurse.  Dave thinks to himself, “Nurses are known to be hot to trot.” The second man married a telephone operator.  Dave thinks to himself, “Telephone operators have sexy voices.” The third man married a school teacher.  Dave thinks to himself, “Poor guy, teachers are frigid.” The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse’s husband.  He sourly says, “Don’t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was ‘You’re not sanitary, you’re not sanitary.'” Then, the telephone operator’s husband calls and sourly says, “Don’t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was ‘Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'” Later that afternoon, the teacher’s husband calls and happily says, “When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was ‘We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'”

Doorbell rings

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.  When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.  Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”  After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.  After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.  The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.  When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.  “Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

To Alaska For A Romantic Weekend

A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said ” honey my hands are cold again”. So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, “honey my hands are cold again”. She then said, ” Damn don’t your ears ever get cold?”

Two nude statues

Two nude statues (one male and one female) had been standing in the middle of a beautiful park for 99 years. On their 100th anniversary in the park a genie comes and says for the past 100 years you have been very patient so you are granted a wish to becoming human for a short time.”

The genie then went on to say that they would be human for fifteen minutes and will finally be able to pleasure themselves in a manner in which they have only fantasized about for the last 100 years. The statues were so excited they could hardly believe it.

The second they became human they ran off together behind the bushes. The genie heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy and laughter. After 10 minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating and laughing. The genie told the statues that they still had 5 more minutes. The male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said, “Cool, this time open your legs.”

 

Are You Crazy?

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, “How about a blowjob?”

“What! Are you crazy!”

“Don’t worry, it will be quick,” he ensures his girlfriend.

“No! Someone might see us…”

“It’s just a small blowjob,” he insists, “and I know you like it.”

“No! I said no!”

“Baby… don’t be like that.”

Suddenly, the girl’s younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, “Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he’ll come downstairs and blow the guy himself… but for God’s sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom.”

 

Wives with husbands 3 occupations

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands’ performance as a lover. The first woman says “My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.” The second woman says, “My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.” The third woman just shakes her head and says, “My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it’s going to be when I get it.”

Guys and Cars

Three guys are boasting about their cars and how they turn them on for sex. The first one says I have A4 Turbo. When I am in the mood, I go for a drive and I rev it up, then I talk to my dingaling, and when I get back I make passionate love to my wife. The second guy goes oh yeah, I get in A8, V8 Supercharged automobile. When I am in the mood, I go for a drive and I rev it up, then I undo my zip stroke  my dingaling, and when I get back I make passionate love to my wife. The third guy is sweating, and doesn’t know how to  top it. So what’s your story they ask. Well I have a hybrid, and I don’t do any of that talking stroking stuff. So the guys burst out laughing. But wait he says, even when I run out of gas, my  motor keeps running.

Three women and oral sex.

Three wives are talking about their sex lives. The first one says, I feed my husband lots of watermelon. So when we have oral sex, it tastes so sweet. Oh yeah says the second one. I feed my husband honeydew. So when we have oral sex, it tastes even sweeter. The third wife says, I feed  my husband lots of jalapenos. That must taste awful they say. How does that help your sex life ask the other puzzled wives? Well when I am through with him, he doesn’t bug me for a whole month.

 

Three women in a restaurant

Three single attractive women are sitting in a restaurant. On the other side there are three guys. The first says, you know I can make the one on the right get an erection. Really say the other two. Sure just focus on the table. Sure enough, the table goes up a couple of inches. How did you do that they ask? Oh I just made eye contact with him, I put my finger in my mouth and then teased it down to towards my breasts. I can do better says the second, see the guy on the right, now focus on the table. Sure enough, the table goes up 7 or 8 inches. How did you do that ask the other two? Oh I just made eye contact with him, I put my finger in my mouth and then teased it down to towards my breasts, then I opened my legs and  stroked between them. Oh yeah says the third, you ain’t seen nothing yet. See the guy on the middle, now focus on the table. There is a pause. All of a sudden the table hits the roof and all the cutlery, tableware and food fly everywhere. Gosh, how did you manage that they ask. Oh easy, I just sent a note to him through the waiter. What did it say they ask. Oh, just that his fly was open, I could see everything and was it really a foot long?

 

Three guys and what turns them on.

Three guys are talking about their sex lives and how they get turned on. The first one says, I call my wife to the kitchen and put some honey on my finger and then she licks it off. Then I start to undress and lead her to the bedroom, and once she has stripped, I take the honey and put it all over her breasts and lick it off. The second says on yeah, I call my wife to the kitchen and  get some ripe mango pulp on my finger and then she licks it off. Then I start to undress and lead her to the bedroom, and once she has stripped, I take mango pulp and put it all over her breasts and lick it off, it is so delicious and then we make deep passionate love. The third looks at the other two, and says I have a much simpler formula. I use Vaseline? Doesn’t that taste awful ask the other two. No, I just put it on the door know and it keeps the kids out.

Three guys and who can have the fastest sex

Three guys are boasting about who can have the fastest sex. The first says, I  go into my office building late at night and get my girl into an elevator, press the top floor, quickly strip and by the time we’ve reached the top floor we’ve had a quickie. The second says oh yeah, we were going on a roadtrip, and we passed through a town and there were no other cars in site. We stopped at the light, and before you know it she mounted me, and we had the fastest sex ever, even before the light changed. The third guy says, oh yeah, well when my girl, comes from the bathroom she’s all dressed in this Victoria’s Secret outfit. She puts her finger in her mouth and then she exposes her left breast, then her right breast then she opens her legs and lets me take a look, and then she goes to turn the lights off, and in that instant before it goes dark we’ve had sex.

 

Three wives and bathroom

Three wives are comparing their sex lives. The redhead says, my husbands member is like toothpaste. The other two ask how?  Well when you squeeze it, just the right amount comes out. The brunette says my husbands member is like a liquid soap dispenser. The other two ask how?  Well when you pump it a few times it comes out so smoothly. The blonde isn’t sure how to top this, so she says my husbands member is like a faucet. The other two look puzzled. Well I yank it to the right, and it comes out cold. I yank it to the left and it comes out hot. And what happens if you pull it in the middle? Oh that’s when you drink from the facuet.

 

Flashing Veggies

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

 

The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?” The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”

 

Well, the woman was so impressed that she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

 

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”

 

“No”, she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.

 

Three wives and fruit

Three wives are discussing their sex lives. The first wife says,  when we make love, it makes my husband smile. How so ask the other two. Well, when its erect its like a banana. I feel its curve, and then as I peel away and bite it gently, he starts to smile.

The second says when we make love, it makes my husband laugh. How so ask the other two. Well, when its erect its like a cucumber. I feel it firm, then I start to stroke it and tickle it, so he starts to laugh.

Now it’s the third womans turn, and she frets as to how she is going to top this. Well my husbands is so small, it hides between his walnuts and all he does is cry. So how do you make love then ask the other two.  Oh that’s easy, I crack his walnuts, he yells in pain, and out it comes.

Man woman in supermarket

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.” Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?” She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

 

Two Italian virgins

Two Italian virgins marry and go on their honeymoon.  Unfortunately, neither knows what to do when they get there. The newlyweds call the groom’s mother for advice.  The mother says that they should sit on the bed together, snuggle, and things should happen from there.  The newlyweds do this, but nothing happens. The groom calls his mother back. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers, and nature should take its course.  The bride and groom take his mother’s advice, but still nothing comes to mind. He calls his mother a third time.  Getting frustrated with the situation, she says, “Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest spot!” The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, “I’ve got my nose in her armpit, now what?”

Three wives and husbands occupations

Three women talk about their husband’s performance as lovers. The first woman says, “My husband is a marriage counselor, so he always buys me flowers and candy before we make love.” The second woman says, “My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and use leather sometimes.” The third woman shakes her head and says, “My husband works for an Internet company. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it’s going to be when I get it.”

A little boy and first wedding

A little boy was attending his first wedding.  After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”  “Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.  “How do you know that?” “Easy,” the little boy said.  “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer”

Grandfather and sex

The young fellow is about to marry and asks his grandfather how often a married couple should have sex. His grandfather tells him, “When you first get married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day; later on, maybe once a week. As you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary.” The young fellow asks, “How about you and Grandma?” His grandfather replies, “Oh, we just have oral sex now. She goes into her bedroom and I go into my bedroom. She yells, ‘F**k you,’ and I holler back, ‘F**k you, too!'”

32 year old virgin

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?” Thomas replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.” His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.” A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?” With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.” The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?” Thomas replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”

Three Couples

Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy. The first man married a nurse.  Dave thinks to himself, “Nurses are known to be hot to trot.” The second man married a telephone operator.  Dave thinks to himself, “Telephone operators have sexy voices.” The third man married a school teacher.  Dave thinks to himself, “Poor guy, teachers are frigid.” The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse’s husband.  He sourly says, “Don’t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was ‘You’re not sanitary, you’re not sanitary.'” Then, the telephone operator’s husband calls and sourly says, “Don’t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was ‘Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'” Later that afternoon, the teacher’s husband calls and happily says, “When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was ‘We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'”

Grandma and Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight . When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, “I don’t think you should take one Dad, they’re very strong and very expensive.” “How much?” asked Grandpa. “$10.00 a pill,” answered the son. “I don’t care,” said Grandpa, “I’d still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I’ll put the money under the pillow. ” Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, “I told you each pill was $10, not $110. “I know,” said Grandpa. “The hundred is from Grandma!”

Daddy, where did I come from?

“Daddy, where did I come from?” seven-year-old Rachel asks. It is a moment for which her parents have carefully prepared. They take her into the living room, get out several other books, and explain all they think she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sit back and smile contentedly. “Does that answer your question?” the mom asks. “Not really,” the little girl says. “Judy said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from.”

Lady and doctor

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!” The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.” “Nah,” she says, “that’s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”

2 Boys playing

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn’t figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, “My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran.”

Nuns and Blindman

Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.” So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, “Who is it?” “Blind man!” The nuns look at each other and one nun says, “He’s blind, so he can’t see. What could it hurt?” They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, “Hey, nice breasts Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”

Mother and young son

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

Lady and doctors visit

A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?” The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old.” “Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?” She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation.”

 

Taxi driver and prostitute

A man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, when they started kissing, and then one thing led to another, but then the girl quickly stopped him and said “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute and I charge $20 for sex,”

 

The man just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, he just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.

 

“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

 

“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”

Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving

each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.

 

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

Pregnancy and Electric Bill

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. “Darling, I have great news – I’m a month overdue. I think were going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.”

 

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because the young couple hasn’t paid their last bill. “Are you Mrs Smith? You’re a month overdue, you know!”

 

“How do you know?” stammers the young woman.

 

“Well, ma’am, its in our files!” says the man from the electric company.

 

“What are you saying? It’s in your files???”

 

“Absolutely.”

 

“Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight.”

 

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning. “What’s going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts.

 

“Just calm down,” says the clerk, “it’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.”

 

“Pay you? And if I refuse?”

 

“Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off.”

 

“And what would my wife do then?” the husband asks.

 

“I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle.”

 

Man yard work

 

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower upstairs.

The man realizes that he can’t find the rake. He yells up to his wife at the bathroom window, “Where is the rake?”

She can’t hear him and shouts back, “What?”

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee, and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, “What?!”

The man repeats his gestures. “EYE KNEE…THE RAKE”

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.

Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, “What in the friggin’ hell was THAT?”

 

She replies, “EYE – LEFT TIT – BEHIND – THE BUSH.”

 

 

 

50th Anniversary

A man and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together.

 

Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honour of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had a varied assortment of excuses.

 

“Happy anniversary Mum and Dad,” gushed son number one… “Sorry I’m running late… had an emergency, you know how it is, didn’t have time to get you both a present.”

 

“Not to worry,” said the Dad… “The important thing is that we’re all together today.”

 

Son number two arrived and announced, “You and Mum still look great, Dad. Just flew in from L A and didn’t have time to get you a present… sorry.”

 

“It’s nothing,” said the father, “Glad you were able to be here.”

 

Just then the daughter arrived, “Hello you both, happy anniversary! I’m sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing…. so I didn’t have time to get you guys anything.”

 

Again the father said, “I really don’t care, at least the five of us are together today.”

 

After they all finished dessert, the father put down his spoon and fork, looked up and said, “Listen you three, there’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. Well… your mother and I came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to University. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but… we just never found the time to get married.”

 

“The three kids gasped and said, “You mean we’re BASTARDS?”

 

“Yep,” said the Dad….”AND CHEAP ONES TOO.”

 

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.

 

They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: “Nescafe”!

 

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

 

It said: “Good till the last drop”

 

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

 

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: “Rothmans”

 

Mum now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the pack: “Extra Long. King Size”

 

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

 

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

 

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words “South African Airways”

Mum took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.

 

The ad said: “Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.”

 

 

Mum fainted!

Young bride and lingerie

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. She dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase. After the wedding, the bride and groom entered their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there.

 

“Oh no! It’s short, pink, and wrinkled!” She exclaimed.

 

Then her groom cried out, “I told you not to peek!”

3 Nuns and condom

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, “I was cleaning in Father Murphy’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines.”

 

“What did you do?” the other nuns asked.

 

“Well, of course I threw them in the trash.”

 

The second nun said, “Well, I can top that. I was in Father Murphy’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!”

 

“Oh my!” gasped the other nuns. “What did you do?”

 

“I poked holes in all of them!” she replied.

 

The third nun fainted.

 

Nun needs to go to bathroom

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

 

However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?

 

The bartender replied, “I really don’t think you should..” “Why not?” the nun asked.

 

“Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf.”

 

“Nonsense,” said the nun, “I’ll just look the other way.”

 

So, the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

 

She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

 

“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”

 

“But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

 

“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?”

Mother Superior:

“Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you’re

accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?”

Sister Maria: “I would lift my habit, mother Superior.”

Mother Superior (shocked): “And what would you do next?”

Sister Maria: “I would tell him to drop his pants.”

Mother Superior: (even more shocked) “And what then?”

Sister Maria: “I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than

he with his pants down.”

 

Father Johns bath and keys to Heaven

It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath and young Sister

Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way

the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed

not to look at Fr. John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he

told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister

Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. “Oh, sister,” said the

young nun dreamily. “I’ve been saved.”

“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” asked the old nun.

“Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him,

and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs

where he said are the Key to Heaven.”

“Did he now,” said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, “And

Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of

Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and

eternal peace. “And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my

lock.”

“Is that a fact,” said the old nun even more evenly. “At first it hurt

terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful

and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it

did, it felt so good being saved.”

“That wicked old Devil,” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel’s

Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!”

 

Priest Nun and blanket

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when

their car breaks down.  They are unable to get repairs completed and

it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel.

The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have

a minor problem.

PRIEST: Sister, I don’t think the Lord would have a problem, under

the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room.

I’ll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.

SISTER: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.

Ten minutes later…

SISTER: Father, I’m terribly cold.

PRIEST: Okay, I’ll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.

Ten minutes later…

SISTER: Father, I’m still terribly cold.

PRIEST: Okay Sister, I’ll get up and get you another blanket.

Ten minutes later…

SISTER: Father, I’m still terribly cold.  I don’t think the Lord

would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

PRIEST: You’re probably right…Get up and get your own damn blanket!

 

Nuns and bicycle

There where 2 novice nuns and a mother superior riding a three person

bicycle. They were riding along when they hit a bump.  As they hit the

2 novices giggled.  The mother superior just gave them a dirty look.

They rode a little further and they hit another bump and the novices

giggled again.  The mother superior gave them another dirty look.

They rode a bit further until they came to another bump and the two

novices giggled again and the mother stopped the bike and looked at

the novices and said, “If you don’t stop that I’m going to put the

seat back on!”

 

Nuns and flat tire SOB

A group of nuns was travelling in a car when it has a flat tire.

They get out and try to change it, but being rather unworldly, they

don’t really know how. Luckily, a truck came along and the driver

offered to change it for them.  They gratefully accepted.

As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack and he

yelled, “Son-of-a-bitch!”

The eldest nun said to him, “That is not nice language. We

understand that you are upset, but you mustn’t use such language.”

“Sorry, Sister”, he said, and tried again.

Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers.

“Son-of-a-bitch”, he yelled again.  “Please, don’t use such language.

If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if

you didn’t help us.”

“But I get so upset, and it just comes out.”

“Well,” said the nun, “say something else when you get upset,

something like ‘Sweet or Holy Grail, help me'”.

So the trucker tried to jack up the car again.  Again it slipped.

He started to say “So..”, but he corrected himself and said, “Holy Grail, help me.”

At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself.

The nuns looked at the car in wonder and exclaimed, “Son-of-a-bitch!”

 

 

Three Women on an Indian Reservation

Three white women lose their way  and end up on an Indian reservation. The Indians tell them, they can live there but first they must pass three tests. Build a fire, kill a buffalo, erect a tepee, make a brave happy, but only the best can become the Chiefs wife.

The first redhead, goes and gets two stones, rubs them together, and starts a fire. She then takes a bow and arrow, kills a buffalo, skins it, erects a tepee and roasts the buffalo meat for dinner. She is then joined by a handsome brave, who has dinner with her. They undress and she makes passionate love to him by the fire inside the tepee. Welcome to our tribe says the chief and gives a feather to the redhead to put in her headband.

Next is the brunette,  she goes and gets two sticks rubs them together, and starts a fire. She then takes a spear, kills a buffalo, skins it, erects a tepee. She is then joined by a handsome brave, who has dinner with her, makes passionate love to her by the fire inside the tepee. Welcome to our tribe says the chief and gives a feather to the redhead to put in her headband.

Now it is the blondes turn, she can’t find any sticks or stones, so she starts to rub two coconuts together. The chief and the natives laugh, but she keeps rubbing them and starts a fire. She pulls a reed from the ground and puts something in her mouth and points it at the buffalo heard. To the surprise of everyone a buffalo falls, and she skins it, erects a tepee and roasts the buffalo meat for dinner.  She is then joined by a very muscular brave, who has dinner with her, makes passionate love to her by the fire inside the tepee. More she says, and another brave goes in. A short while later, another, and soon all the braves are smiling.

Welcome to our tribe says the chief and takes off his headdress with all the feathers and puts it on her. I must ask you though, we have very strong women, and the redhead and brunette were good but no one has accomplished what you did. How did you do it? Easy she said, hand  job for the first, blow job for the second, sex for the third, and promises thereafter.

 

Teaching the Tribe

 

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

 

He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree.”

 

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.”

 

The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.”

 

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock.”

 

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy… activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, “Riding a bike.”

 

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

 

The chief replied, “My bike.”

Policewoman

A policewoman in New York was on the red-light district on a decoy

sting, posing as a prostitute in an effort to catch anyone attempting

to procure her services. After a couple of arrests the local pros

(Legitimate Ladies of the night) called a nearby evangelical Christian

church to send a rather enthusiastic preacher to ‘save this poor woman’s

soul’ so he and a few followers arrived shortly after and began

preaching the gospel on the very same corner the policewoman stood.

This had the effect of driving away her potential customers as well

as annoying the policewoman.

In an effort to get rid of them she produced her badge to the

preacher whereupon he asked “Don’t they pay you enough to be a

policewoman nowadays dear?”

 

Two Priests and Confession

Father Joseph went up to Father Fred one afternoon and said,

“I am SICK of all this clean living. Tonight let’s you and me

go out and party. We’ll carouse, drink, whatever we want.”

Fred was shocked. “Are you crazy? This is a small town and

everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn’t, they would

see our clothes and know we were priests.”

Joe was ready for this. “Don’t be silly. We won’t stay in

town, we’ll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we’ll

dress just like anyone else.”

In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out

that night and partied like professionals. When they got back

home at 5:00 AM, Fred’s face became pale. “I just thought of

something,” he said. “We have to confess this.”

Again, Joe was ready. “Relax, I told you, I thought this

all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the

confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess,

and you absolve me. Then I go put on my garments, you come in

and confess, and I’ll absolve you.”

Fred was amazed at Joe’s brilliance. And so, Joseph went in

later that morning and said, “Father forgive me, for I have

sinned. My friend and I, we’re both young men, and last night

we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge

of prostitutes, used foul language, danced to wicked music.”

Fred answered, “God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall

I be. Do 5 ‘Our Father’s’ and 5 ‘Hail Mary’s’ and you will be

absolved of your sin.”

A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in and

confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and

Joseph answered, “I don’t believe this. And you DARE to call

yourself a priest? You will do 500 “Our Father’s,” 500 “Hail

Mary’s,” donate all your money for the next month to the church,

and go around the church 500 times on your knees praying for

God’s forgiveness. Then come back and we’ll discuss absolution,

but I make no guarantees.”

“WHAT??!!” Father Fred was shocked. “What about our agreement??”

Joe replied, “Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but

I take my job seriously.”

Drunk and Fence

A man walks into this whore house to get a woman but doesn’t know

what he wants. The woman at the counter tells the man to go outside

to where this fence is and in this fence are some holes. She instructs

him to stick his member into each of the holes and then to make a choice.

He sticks his member into the first hole and he gets his member sucked.

He sticks his member into the second hole and he gets jerked off.

He sticks his member into the third hole and he feels it slip into some

chicks vagina. After he finishes he walks back inside to the woman at

the counter.

She asks him what woman he wants.

The man says, “Forget the women. I want 30 yards of that fence.”

 

Drunk and foot

A drunk stumbled into a podiatrist’s office (Foot specialist),

mistaking it for a whorehouse. The nurse asked him his name, then

told him to go behind the screen and stick it out. So, naturally,

the drunk weaved over the screen, dropped his pants and stuck his

penis through the screen.

The nurse walked over, shrieked and dropped her tray of instruments.

“That’s not a foot!” she screamed.

The drunk replied, “Sshorry, lady! I didn’t know there was a minimum.”

Tie

A guy goes into a fancy bar wearing a shirt open at the collar, but the bouncer tells him he needs a tie to get in.

 

The guy doesn’t have a tie handy, so goes out to his car and gets his jump leads. He ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot, and lets the ends dangle free.

 

He goes back to the bar.  The bouncer looks him up & down and then says, “Well, OK, I guess you can come in – just don’t start anything.”

Mother-in-law

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One night the couple woke to find the mother gone. In a clearing not far from the camp they came upon a chilling sight, the mother-in-law was backed up against a tree with a snarling lion facing her.

The wife said: “What are we going to do?”

“Nothing,” said the husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, he can get himself out of it.”

The barn

A politician and two friends – a rabbi and a Hindu holy man – had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, “There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn.”

“No problem,” chimed the rabbi. “My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening.”

With that, he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later, a knock was heard at the door, and the farmer opened it. There stood the rabbi from the barn.

“What’s wrong?” asked the farmer.

He replied, “I’m grateful to you, but I can’t sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.”

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later, the same scene recurred. There was a knock on the door.

“What’s wrong now?” the farmer asked.

The Hindu holy man replied, “I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn, and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can’t sleep on holy ground!”

Well, that left only the politician to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but he went out to the barn.

Moments later, there was another knock on the farmer’s door.

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

Truck driver

A truck driver stopped at a roadside dinner for lunch. He ordered a cheeseburger, coffee, and a slice of apple pie.

As he was about to eat, three motorcycles pulled up outside. The bikers came in, and one grabbed the trucker’s cheeseburger and took a bite from it. The second one drank the trucker’s coffee, and the third wolfed down the apple pie.

The truck driver didn’t say a word. He simply got up, paid the cashier, and left.

When he was gone, one of the motorcyclists said, “He ain’t much of a man, is he?”

“He’s not much of a driver, either,” the cashier replied, “He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”

Lottery

Hugh is in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he’s in serious financial straits. He decides to ask God for help. “God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money soon, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please, let me win the lottery.” Lottery night comes and somebody else wins the top prize. Hugh prays again, “God, please let me win the lottery. I’ve lost my business, my house and now I’m going to lose my car as well!” Lottery night comes  and Hugh still has no luck. “Dear God! I’ve lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please, let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order.” Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light. Hugh is confronted by the voice of God himself. “Hugh, my son, just meet me halfway on this one. Buy a ticket!”

Nun in a taxi

A taxi driver picks up a nun. She gets into the taxi, and he won’t stop  staring at her. He says, “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. After my experiences, I’m sure  that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.” She responds, “Well, as long as you are single and a Catholic, then I will kiss you.” The taxi driver says, “Yes, I’m single and a Catholic!”

“OK,” she says. “Pull over.” The nun plants a kiss on the taxi driver, who then starts crying. “My dear child,” says the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied. I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m going to a fancy dress party.”

Buliding site

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese man were hired at a building site. The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, “You’re in charge of sweeping.” To the Irishman he says, “You’re in charge of shovelling.” To the Chinese man he says, “You’re in charge of supplies.” He then says, “Now, I have to leave for a while. I expect the pile to be gone when I’m back.”

But when the foreman  returns the sand is untouched. He asks the Irishman why he didn’t shovel. “I couldn’t get meself no shovel. You left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn’t find him nowhere.” He says to the Italian, “Why didn’t you sweep any of it?” “I no gotta no broom an’ I no finda no Chinaman.”

The foreman gets really angry and storms off looking for the Chinese guy. He can’t find him anywhere until the Chinese guy jumps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, “Supplies!”

Forgiveness

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?” Eighty percent held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. “Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

“I don’t have any.” She replied, smiling sweetly.

“Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety-eight,” she replied.

“Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?”

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, “I outlived the bitches.”

Jewish Bra

A man walked into the women’s department of Macy’s in New York City.  He found a saleslady, and told her, “I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B.”

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, “What kind of bra?”

He repeated “A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she means.”

“Ah, now I remember,” said the saleslady. “We don’t get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.”

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked “So, what are the differences?”

The saleslady responded. “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.”

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked “So, what does the Jewish bra do?”

“The Jewish bra,” she replied, “makes mountains out of molehills.”

Ten years on a deserted island

 

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.” Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years!”, he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”

Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink?”

He replies, “Ten years!”

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”

And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

Four Men Shipwrecked

Four men are shipwrecked on an island. When they regain consciousness, they realize that the natives are all beautiful but muscular women, bare breasted, and not a man in sight. They ask where the men are, and they say they are offshore earning a livelihood.

The women, strip the men, till their members are exposed and begin to laugh. The high priestess says we are looking for our next chief, but will only pick the strongest and smartest amongst you. The other three will die.

You will compete with the best of our women and here are the challenges you must pass.

They go to the first challenge, and each one has a long  string with a  coconut tied to his member. Who ever, is able to twirl and go round and round and then throw the coconut, into the ocean will pass. The others will die. Each takes a pause, then madly spins around and releases the coconut. Three land in the water, the fourth falls short.  The high priestess, shouts death by drowning.

They then go to the second challenge It is a tug of war. The three remaining men tugging against three  bare breasted but strong women. They heave back and forth, with the fire in the middle. The men get an early lead, but the man in the front loses focus , starts staring at the breasts, gets an erection and start slipping until they all fall. The high priestess, shouts death by fire to the man in front.

They go to the third challenge, and only two guys left. They want to see their endurance. Each one is assigned a beautiful woman and he must do 99 push ups on her without coming on. If he fails before then, he dies, if he does 99, he can have her. Both men start off strong, 10, 20, 50, 60, but soon the muscular of the two starts to cry. I can’t, I can’t. What do  you mean I can’t asks the high priestess. I can’t hold it, and he releases himself  in his woman.  The high priestess, shouts death by suffocation.

Now there is only one man left. They go to the last challenge, and it is a mud wrestling fight. He jumped into the mud pool. In jumped the native woman and they wrestled and tugged, each time he tried to grab her by the breasts she would just slide through. Each time she grabbed him by his member she flung him around. He pulls her hair, they play dirty. They go back and forth sometimes she is on top and other times he is on top. They roll on top of each other. He then whispers something in her ear and the woman  surrenders.

The high priestess, turns to him and says you are our new chief. She looks at his member which is the smallest and looks at his body and he is not very muscular and puzzled. So tell me, the other guys were much muscular and fitter than you. The coconut? Easy, I used to exercise my pelvic muscles.  99 times, how did you do it? Easy he replied, I practiced my breathing as I Tantric sex.  And the Mud wrestling? That was the easiest of them all. Honey, I told her, if she lets me win, whenever we do it I’ll let you go on top, so she surrendered.

 

 

 

 

2 Fleas

One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin’ and a shakin’. The first flea asked, “What the hell happened to you?”  To which the second flea replied “I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I’m so very coldddd!” The first flea said, “Don’t you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm”. The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin’, shakin’, and mumbling about how cold he was. The first flea exclaimed “Didn’t you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?” To which the second flea replied, “I did just as you said; I went to the ladies cammode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!

Reloading

A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis. His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

 

“Good heavens!” she remarks “I always wondered how you reloaded those things!”

 

Little Johnny

Little Johnny is in the bathroom taking a pee when the toilet seat falls

down on top of his penis. He starts screaming and crying. His mom comes

running into the room wondering what’s going on. He tells his mother

“Mommy, the toilet seat fell on top of my penis. Kiss it better.”

 

“Johnny you are getting more and more like your father everyday.”

His mother says.

3 wives

A group of wives were sitting in a bar, discussing the pet names for their husband’s penises.

“I call my ol’ man’s the Curtain,” laughed the first wife, “Because it comes down at the end of each performance!”

“I call my husband’s the Basque Terrorist,” added the second wife, “Because I never know whether it will attack at the front or the rear!”

The third wife shrugged, “Myself, I call my husband’s The Rumour!”

“Why is that?” asked the other two.

“Because it passes swiftly from mouth to mouth!”

 

Sex with Wife

Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex. They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream. The next day the meet. The first friend says, “I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours.” The second friend says, “That’s nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that.” The third friend says, ” That’s nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my penis on the curtains and she still screaming.”

 

Bad Johnny

One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants. The Teacher asked, “Johnny, what are you doing?” Then, Johnny said, “It hurts down there.” “Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home”, said the teacher. A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down. Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his penis is hanging out of his pants. The teacher said, “Johnny, what’s that doing hanging out of your pants?!” Then Johnny said, “My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she’ll come and pick me up.”

School Psychologist

A school psychologist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. “According to your child’s names you all have obsessions,” she stated. To the first mother, she said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.” She turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.” At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go.”

Red Rings

One day, a man wakes up with a red ring around his penis. He can’t figure out what it is, so he goes to the doctor. The doctor hands him a tube of cream. “Here. Put this on and the ring’ll be gone within the hour,” the doctor said. The man drove home, put it on, and sure enough, the ring was gone within the hour. But then the next day, he woke up and the ring was there again. He goes to the doctor, and the doctor hands him the same cream, which he puts on. The ring vanishes, only to reappear the next morning. This goes on for a few days before the man finally asks, “Doctor, the cream you’re giving me takes care of the ring around my penis, but then it comes back in the morning. What’s the stuff you’re giving me?” The doctor hands him another tube of it before replying, “Lipstick remover.”

 

Jewish Plumber

A young, religious Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred.

Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet for the morning’s relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up.  She was very skinny, and when she sat down, she literally fell in! She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her.  She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to extricate her. In this process they removed her night gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs.

Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem. When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.

Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his yarmulka, over his wife’s exposed privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented:

“Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but the Rabbi’s a goner.”

 

Tattoo Parlor

One day a man walks into a tattoo shop and requests to have a tattoo on his dick Tattoo artist: What do you want it to say? Husband: I love you baby. Two hours later the tattoo is done Tattoo artist: What’s the tattoo for? Husband: Its my anniversary present for my wife Tattoo artist: Thats very intriguing. Husband walks through the door penis hanging in front of wife Husband: Surprise babydoll! Wife reads the tattoo on his dick Wife: OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD JOHN STOP TRYING TO PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH.

 

Boots

A lady went into a diner in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, “Shore is, little lady. Why don’t you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?” The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, “Well, thankee, ma’am. Ah’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.” “Don’t be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”

 

Sperm Race

The sperm are arguing about who’s gonna get to the egg first. Along comes a sperm on a motorcycle, helmet on, revving the engine, ready to go. They get the green light and the sperm takes off on his motorcycle, just flying. Two minutes later, he comes limping back, pushing his motorcycle. The other sperm ask him “What the hell happened to you?” He says, “The son of a bitch had a condom on.”

 

Genie & The Lamp

There were 3 brothers that found a lamp. They rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared. He said that they each had one wish. The youngest brother asked for a wood penis. His wish was granted. The second oldest brother wished for a metal penis. His wish was granted, too. Finally, the oldest brother wished for a 50ft penis. His wish was granted as well. The next day they went back and rubbed the lamp again. The youngest brother asked to undo his wish because it was giving his wife splinters. His wish was undone. The second oldest brother asked to undo his wish because his was rusting. His wish was undone as well. Finally the genie asked the oldest brother, “Do you want your wish undone as well?” The oldest brother shook his head no and said, “See that girl 49ft away…… Ooops! Got her!”

 

Ship wrecked, cannibals and catch

Three men are shipwrecked on an island. They are captured and brought in front of the chief. They are stripped. What big ding-alings you have.  “You have two choices to get out of here,” “death or play shoot and catch.”   You shoot, woman catch. The woman will get you ready, then she will be blindfolded and you can only give her direction in code.

Who wants to go first, asks the chief?

The first man thinks he has a good size member, so he steps forward. Take him to the hut, orders the chief.

A naked woman comes and starts to massage his member. He gets an erection and he tells the woman if he tilts his head to the right to run to the right, and if if I say lettuce, go to the left, if I say tomato go to the right.  They come out of the hut.

She is then blindfolded and starts to run backwards with her hands waiting to receive his shot. Sure he enough, he has a powerful member, and he shoots high into the air.  Lettuce, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, and as she positions herself he shouts and she catches it with her hands. You live says the chief and the man is elated.

Now it is the second mans turn and he has an even bigger member, so he steps forward with confidence. Take him to the hut. Another  naked woman comes and starts to massage his member and give him oral sex. He gets an erection and he tells the woman if I say lettuce, go to the left, if I say tomato go to the right, and if I say mayonnaise open your mouth. They come out of the hut.

She is then blindfolded and starts to run backwards. Sure enough, he has an even more powerful member, and he shoots higher into the air.  Lettuce, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, and as she positions herself he shouts mayonnaise and he she opens her mouth and catches it, then spits it out. You live says the chief and the second man jumps for joy.

The third man, has a very small member. He goes to the hut, with the woman but no matter of massage or oral help from her helps him. She calls in the Witch doctor and he says “I can give you a one time fix.”

He throws powder on a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: “This is a powerful healing, but you can only use it once All you have to do is sprinkle this powder on it and he whispers  say “123” and it will rise as long as you wish! and when you want it to go down say “1234” and it will go down, but be warned; it will not work again for a year!”  The man sprinkles the magic powder the woman gets him ready.  He then tells her, if I say one, move to the right, if I say two move to the left.

They come out of the hut. She is then blindfolded and starts to run backwards. He now has a more longer and powerful member, and is confident he will easily beat both of the other guys. He is about to shoot and he starts to shout, one, one-two, and the woman starts to move left and right, one, one-two, one two three. Right then the woman stops and asks “What did you say “123” for? His member goes limp.  The chief shouts, death.


 

3 Friends and Prostitute

Three friends decided to visit a prostitute. It was a slow night, So she gave the guys a deal. “You can pay by the inch.”

When the first man comes back out his friends ask, “How much did she charge you?”

“$75 dollars,” said the first.

The second guy goes in and returns with a fee of $85. The first two were proud of their prowess.

The third man goes in and returns, “How much did she charge you?” ask the first two.

“$20 dollars” replies the third.

The first two start laughing hysterically.

“Hey guys,” replied the third, “I’m not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!”

 

 

Condom and Size in supermarket

This man’s in the line at the supermarket check out. But when he gets to the register he realizes he’s forgotten to pick up his condoms. So he asks the checkout girl if she could have someone bring them. She replies, “Of course, Sir, but I’ll just check your size. Drop your pants please.” Wow, he thinks, this is great service, and he drops ’em. She reaches over the counter, grabs his member, picks the store intercom and announces, “One box of large condoms to check out 10.”

 

Well, the next man in line thought this was interesting and, so, when he gets to the check out, he tells the checker that he too has forgotten to get condoms, and asks if she could have some brought up to the register. Sure enough, she asks him to drop his pants to check his size, gives him a quick feel, picks up the store intercom and says, “One box of medium sized condoms to check out 10.”

 

A few customers back was this teen-age boy. He thought what he’d seen was just so cool, and he’d never had any sexual experience with a woman, so this seemed like his big chance. When he gets to the register, he tells the checker he needs some condoms bringing up. She asks him what size, and he says he doesn’t know. So she asks him to drop his pants for her to check. One quick feel, and she picks up the intercom and announces, “Clean up crew to check out 10!”

 

 

 

 

Amish Woman and weather

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one

cold blustery day.

The daughter said to her mother, My hands are freezing cold.

The mother replied, Put them between your legs. Your body heat

will warm them up.

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who

said, My hands are freezing cold.

The girl replied, Put them between my legs. The warmth of my

body will warm them up.He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the

daughter. He said, My nose is cold. The girl replied, Put it between my

legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up. He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter,

and said, My penis is frozen solid.

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her

mother again, and she says to her mother, Have you ever heard of a penis?

Slightly concerned the mother said, Why, yes?! Why do you

ask?

The daughter replies: they make one hell of a mess when they

defrost, dont they?

 

3 explorers and Umba Momba

There were three explorers who where walking through the forest of Africa, when suddenly they were caught by tribesmen.

After being held captive for a week, the male chief comes up to the first explorer and says, “You have two choices to get out of here,” “death or five minutes of umba momba.”

The explorer thinks that umba momba has to be better than death, so he says, “I’ll take umba momba.”

The chief smiles at him,”5 mintues of umba momba.” and he is taken to a hut, where a large naked woman is waiting for him. He says umba momba, and she rips his clothes off,

and starts to have oral sex with him. He groans and staggers out. The second explorer thinks well at least he is alive.

The second explorer also says when given the choice, “I’ll take umba momba.”

The chief smaile “30 minutes of umba momba.” and he is taken to a hut. Now two large large naked woman are waiting for him. He says umba momba, and they rips his clothes off,

and both start to have sex with him . He gasps for air, groans and staggers out.

Finally, he says to the last explorer, “Two choices: death or 1 hour of umba momba.”

The explorer thinks that this is absurd. After all, they were so rough on the others. He thought that he might as well die.

“I want to die.” he says.

Then the chief says, “Okay. You will die.” “By umba momba.”

Shipwreck, chief,  poisoned pellets, coconuts and bee

A man gets shipwrecked on a small island. After a few days wandering, he comes across a tribe of natives who have just lost their chieftain. The tribe’s high priest tells the man that as he is the first outsider they have seen in twenty years, he must take three tests.  If he passes all three tests, the tribe will accept him as their new chief.  “Fair enough,” says the man.  “Just let me know what the tests are and I’ll get right on them.” The priest takes him to a clearing with three straw huts in it, turns to the man and explains the tests.

“In the first hut, you’ll find 5 beautiful naked women. Each has a poisonous pellet in her belly button. Your hands will be tied, so you must suck each one’s out, without killing yourself. The man skillfully drops  on his knees and one by one sucks the pellets out and spits them out. Congratulations says the high priest, you have passed the first test.

Now go to the second hut. There you will find 3 beautiful naked women. You must make love to each one till each is satisfied. OK he says but can you give me 3 Coconuts. The priest agrees, and the man punches a hole in the first coconut, drinks it and makes love to the first woman and then repeats the process with the other two, till they are all satisfied. Congratulations says the high priest, you have passed the second test, that was very smart as Coconuts are natural Aphrodisiacs.

Now you come to the third and most difficult test. The old chiefs daughter is in that hut. A bee has entered her vagina, and you have to get it out. If you do, you will be our new chief. Don’t worry says the man,  I will take care of her and he is led to the third hut.

The chiefs daughter is more beautiful than any of the other women, with long black hair, full breasts and a curvy body. But he notices she is in pain.

The man asks for some honey and then asks to be left alone with the chiefs daughter. He rubs some honey on his member and then inserts it in.  Don’t worry he tells the chiefs daughter, I am going to draw this bastard out.  When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your vagina. The young lady said “Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it.”

After a few gentle strokes, the man said, “I don’t think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper.”  So the man went deeper and deeper.  After a while the man began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement.

She began to moan and groan aloud. The man, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady’s breasts and started making loud noises.

The high priest who was outside at this point became very annoyed and shouted, “Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you’re doing?”  The man, still concentrating, replied, “Change of plan. I’m gonna drown the bastard!” Hail to the Chief.

 

3 men shipwrecked, cannibals and fruit

Three men gets shipwrecked on a small island. The cannibals capture the men and bring them to their chief. The chief orders, “you three have to face my trial. If you succeed, you will be freed. But if you fail, we will eat you. Our women are bored with us, so we are looking for new ideas. Now, go around the island, collect some fruit, then each of you go to your assigned hut, where you will find our hottest women. If you creatively make love to them, using all the fruit and they are satisfied, you live, otherwise, he motions passing his finger over the neck. The first man picks berries, the second grapes and the third pineapples.

In the first hut, the man teaches the woman to catch a berry first in her mouth, then her naval, and finally in her vagina. He continues this until all the fruit is dispensed.  Then he licks and sucks them out, and the woman groans with satisfaction. The chief on hearing this says you live.

In the second hut, the man teaches the woman to catch a grape first in her mouth, then her naval, and finally in her vagina. He continues this until all the fruit is dispensed.  Then he licks and sucks them out, and the woman groans with satisfaction. The chief on hearing this says you live.

In the third hut, the man gets the pineapples and struggles what to do with them.

He then has a brilliant flash, and cuts them into bite size pieces. The man teaches the woman to catch the bite size pieces first in her mouth, then her naval, and finally in her vagina. He continues this until all the fruit is dispensed.  He manages to suck the pineapple pieces  from her mouth and naval. The woman groans, but then he is not able to retrieve it from her vagina. As the man staggers out. “Kill that man!” orders the chief and eat him. Wait he says, one last request. Granted says the chief what shall it be?  He heads back to the hut, get me some Coconut juice. Why asks the chief a little confused? Let me at least drink  some hard earned Pina Colada.

 

 

 

SHIPWRECKED

 

A young kid’s in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical island. For twenty years he never sees another human being. Then one day a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes half-ripped off, washes up on a piece of driftwood.

He explains to her how he existed for twenty years, digging for clams, and eating fruits and berries. She says, “Well, what did you do for love?” He says, “Love? What’s that?” You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months.

She says, “I’ll show you. Smelling faintly of gardenias she uncovers one of her breasts. He strokes it, and says nice. Would you like to see some more.

Sure he says, so now she reveals the other breast. You can touch it, kiss it suck it, I’m all yours. Really he asks.

He gnaws away clumsily, delicious he gasps. By this time he notices a new sensation coming from downtown and becomes nervous.

When they’re finally done, she says, “Well, how do you like love?” He says, “It’s great. But look what you did to my clam digger.”

 

Alien and Sex
A young man and woman have only been married for two days.
One night, just as they are getting ready to go to bed, they
hear a noise in the backyard, kind of like a vacuum cleaner
in reverse. They put on their robes and run outside, there,
hovering over the lawn is a flying saucer. It lands, and
two tall, beautiful silver aliens get out. Obviously a
male and a female, and according to earth standard, quite
beautiful. They explain to the newlyweds that they need to
stay overnight to effect repairs to their ship.

The young couple agrees, and invite the aliens in for a
snack. The aliens agree, but say that it would only be
sociable to then invite the newlyweds for a snack. “We
will invite you aboard our spacecraft, but you must abide
by our customs. You must stay the night, and it is only
courteous that we change partners for the night.” The
newlyweds talk it over and agree.

That night, the wife is with the male alien. He undresses
and she stares at his perfect body. Then her gaze crosses
his groin, and a look of disappointment comes over her. “Is
there something wrong?” asks the alien.

“Well, you seem so … uh… small.” “No problem,” replies
the alien, he twists his ear and his organ grows longer.
The woman still seems disappointed. She indicates she
would like the alien to be “wider.” He twists the other
ear and grows wider.

The next morning over breakfast, the wife tells her husband
what a wonderful night she had with the alien, and that
she can hardly wait to share some of the techniques with her
husband the next night. “Honey, how was your night?” she
asks. “Terrible” he said. “The female alien was truly
beautiful, but all she did was twist my ears all night long.”

The First Time

A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it.

Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.

“Pop, what do I do first?

“Get naked,” his father replies.

So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama. “He’s taken his clothes off, what do I do?”

“Get naked, get on your kness and join him,” is the advice from mama, so she complies.

After a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.

“What do I do next?” he asks.

His father now becoming frustrated says, “Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and listen to the music.

A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. “What do I do now?” she asks.

“Well, what is he doing?” mama asks.

“He’s slobbering in my ear”

Italian Mama

An Italian woman married an Italian man. The Italian tradition for newlyweds is to sleep at your mother’s house on your wedding night and remain a virgin until you are married.

After the wedding, the newlyweds went back to her mother’s house. The man went up stairs and the woman stayed to talk to her mom. She said, “I don’t want to go up there.”

Her mom said, “He’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll treat you well.”

When she got upstairs, the man took off his shirt.

She ran back downstairs and said, “Mamma! Mamma! He has a hairy chest!”

Her mom said, “All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs and he will treat you well.”

When she got upstairs, he took off his pants.

She ran back downstairs and said, “Mamma! Mamma! He has hairy legs!”

Her mom said, “All good men have hairy legs. Go upstairs and he will treat you well.”

When she got upstairs he took off his underwear, and she shouted, “Mamma! Mamma! He’s got a hairy belly button and a long French bread”

Her mom said, “Stop there don’t bite! This is job for Mamma!”

 

World War II

During World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A

torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. The captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke

or something – at least they would die laughing.

The navigator went down and said to the crew, “What would you think if I

could split the whole ship in two by hitting my penis against the table?”

The crew burst out laughing. So, the navigator pulled his penis out and

whammed it on the table. Just when his penis hit the table, a huge

explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the

navigator.

As they floated around in a lifeboat, the captain asked the navigator,

“Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?” The navigator then told

him the story.

 

The captain replied, “Well, you better be careful with that penis of yours.

The torpedo missed!”

 

Psychologist

A man goes to a psychologist and says, “Doc I got a real problem, I can’t stop thinking about relations.” The psychologist says, “Well let’s see what we can find out”, and pulls out his ink blots.  “What is this a picture of?” he asks. The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, “That’s a man and a woman having relations.” The psychologist says, “Very interesting,” and shows the next picture.  “And what is this a picture of?” The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, “That’s a man and a woman having relations.” The psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, “What is this a picture of?” The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, “That’s a man and a woman having relations.” The psychologist states, “Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with relations.” “Me!?” demands the patient.  “You’re the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!”

Three Nuns

It was Friday, and three nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic

church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few

minutes.

Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend.

“However”, he said, “as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you

to confess to me what you did over the weekend.” The three nuns agree,

and run off. Monday comes, and the three nuns return. The first nun goes

to the priest and says, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” The

priest asks, “What did you do, Sister?”

She replies,

“I called 911 shouting fire, watched an R-rated movie with a  Firefighter and ran naked up and down in front of him and he showed me his hose” The priest looks up to heaven

for half a minute, then says,”You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water.”

The second  nun then goes up to the priest and says, “Forgive me , Father,

for I have sinned.” The priest replies, “OK, what happened?” She says,

“I called 911 shouting fire, watched an R-rated movie with a  Firefighter and ran naked up and down in front of him and he let me pull his hose” The priest looks up to heaven

for half a minute, then says,”You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water.”

Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, “Forgive me, Father, for I

have sinned.” The priest asks, “Out with it. What did you do?” She says,

” I called 911 shouting fire, watched an R-rated movie, ate hot Cheetos with a  Firefighter and ran naked up and down in front of him, and then he tried to put out my fire.

The father responds, you did the right thing, that’s not a sin.

She put here head down, “But you don’t understand father no matter how much I sucked the hose, I couldn’t put out the fire.”

 

Shy Couple and Laundry

A shy young couple invent a name for making love “doing the laundry.”

One night the husband wakes up and asks his wife if she wants to “do the laundry.

“She complains that she’s got a headache so the husband goes back to sleep.

In the morning he asks if she’d like to “do the laundry,” but his wife complains she’s too tired, after having a restless night.

That afternoon he asks if she’s ready to “do the laundry,” but she’s too busy with her chores.

The same evening his wife snuggles up to him and asks if he still wants to “do the laundry.”

“No, it’s okay,” he replies. “It was a small load, so i did it by hand!”

 

 

Colorful Nicknames

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives. Karen said:

“I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does.”

Joanne giggled and confessed: “I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft.

” Kathy quietly sipped her whisky until Joanne finally asked:

“Well, what do you call your boyfriend?” Kathy frowned and said:

“The postman.” “Why the postman?” asked Joanne. “Because, he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”

 

Life In The Fast lane

A racecar driver after a race took his woman to bed.

He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

“What’s the matter? Didn’t I satisfy you,” he asked.

“It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble,” said the angry woman.

“In your sleep, you felt my breasts and mumbled, ‘What perfect headlights.’

Then you felt my thighs and murmured, ‘what a smooth finish.'” “What’s wrong with that?” asked the driver. “Nothing,

but then you felt my downtown and yelled, ‘who the hell left the garage door open?'”

 

A virgin wanted to marry a farmer boy.

 

One day she went to his parents’ house for dinner and afterward they were walking through the fields when she saw two horses mating.

 

“What are they doing?” she asked.

 

“They’re making love,” said the boy.

 

“What’s that long thing he’s sticking in there?”

 

“Oh, uh, that’s his rope.”

 

“Well, what are those two round things on the other end?”

 

“Er, those are his knots.”

 

“OK, OK,” said the girl, happy with the explanation. “I get it.”

 

As they continued to stroll, they came to a barn and went in. The girl announced: “I want you to make love to me the way those animals were.”

 

Excited and surprised, he readily agreed, but suddenly she grabbed his balls and squeezed them hard.

 

“Whoa! What are you doing?” he shrieked in pain.

 

“I’m untying the knots so I’ll get more rope.”

 

2,000 Pounds Of Dynamite

 

A woman met a professional bodybuilder at a bar one night and the two hit it off, so they decided to go back to a hotel room for some all night fun.

 

When they got to the hotel room, the guy immediately began to undress. First he removed his shirt and said (referring to his arms), “See those, baby? That’s 1,000 pounds of dynamite.”

 

The woman begins to get anxious.

 

Then, he continues by taking off his pants and says (referring to his thighs), “See those, baby? That’s 1,000 pounds of dynamite.”

 

At this point, the woman is aching for action and starts to touch herself.

 

Then, he  removes his boxers and shows off his package. The woman screams in horror and runs out of the room. He runs after her only to find her in the parking lot, gasping for air.

 

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

 

“Well,” she pants, “with 2,000 pounds of dynamite and with such a short fuse, I thought you were going to blow.”

Young man showing off

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

 

“If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?” he asked.

 

“Yes!” said his adventurous girlfriend.

 

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

 

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

 

“Go and get help!” he cried.

 

“But I can’t. I’m naked and my clothes are gone!”

 

“Take my shoe”, he said, “and cover yourself.”

 

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, “Please help me! My boyfriend’s stuck!”

 

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, “There’s nothing I can do…he’s in too far.”

 

Virgin

 

There’s this couple and they’ve been dating for quite some time.  He

wants her really bad, but she won’t sleep with him because she’s

saving herself for marriage.  As they were kissing, and doing their

thing, he’s very hot and bothered, and he said, “Oh come on, just a

feel”  She said, “no, I’m saving myself for marriage.”  They went back

and forth.  He said, “Just one feel, I promise, that’s all, just one

feel.”

 

 

She finally agreed, “Okay, just one feel, but that’s all, just one,

 

I’m saving myself for marriage.”  So he puts his hand down her panties

and takes a little feel.  Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks,

“Can’t we please?” She of course states, “NO, I’m saving myself for

marriage.”  He says, “Please, please?” and she says, “No, absolutely

not, I’m saving myself for marriage.”  He says, “How about if I

agree to only just put the tip in?”  She says, “No way, I’m saving

myself for marriage.”

 

 

He begs and pleads with her, “I promise, just the tip, no more and

 

we’ll stop after that.”  She finally gives in, “Okay, but just the

tip, no more, and that’s all.”  He says okay and pulls down her

panties and puts the tip in… he so hot and ready that he can’t

control himself( typical man, eh girls??) shoves it the whole way in

and starts going to town… she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and

shouts, “OKAY, GO AHEAD, PUT IT THE WHOLE WAY IN!”

 

A little stunned, he says, “NO, absolutely not, a deals a deal!”

 

50 year Anniversary

An elderly couple were enjoying dinner out. The husband leans over and asks his wife, ‘Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.’

‘Yes’, she says, ‘I remember it well.’

‘OK,’ he says, ‘How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?’

‘Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!’

 

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble So he follows them.

 

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

 

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

 

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.

 

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, ‘Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?’

 

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, ‘Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence’

 

HOW TO IMPRESS THE GIRLS

A Polish man was walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don’t seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a Frenchman lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.

 

“Excuse me,” he says, taking the guy aside, “but I’ve been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can’t seem to get anywhere with them. You’re French. You know these women. What do they want?”

 

“Maybee I can help a leetle beet,” says the Frenchman. “What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way.”

 

“Wow! Thanks!” says the Pole, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies. So he goes back to the Frenchman.

 

“I’m sorry to bother you again,” he says, “but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven’t been able to meet a girl.”

 

“Okay,” says the Frenchman, “I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way.”

 

“Thanks!” says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him.

 

After half an hour he can’t take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman. “Look,” he says, “I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach, and still nothing! What more can I do?” “Well,” says the Frenchman, “maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don’t you try moving zee potato to the front of zee sweeming suit?”

Lady and two rude parrots

 

A lady goes to her priest one day and confesses, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

 

What do they say?” the priest inquires curiously.

 

The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over: “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”

 

That’s obscene!” the priest exclaims. After a few moments of deliberation, however, he offers a solution. “You know,” he says, “I have two male parrots, very devout birds, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your female parrots to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and speak in a more appropriate manner.”

 

“Thank you,” the woman responds, “this may very well be the solution.”

 

The next day, she brings her two female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushers her in, she sees his two male parrots inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female birds cry out in unison: “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”

 

There is a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”

 

Cowboy, Indians and Sundial

There was once this cowboy, riding through the wild west. One day, off in the distance, he sees a small cloud of dust. So he rides his horse up to it, and finds its an Indian laying on the ground with his member sticking out of his pants! The cowboy gets off his horse and asks, “What are you doing?”, to which the Indian replies, “Me tell time! Penis acts as sundial.” The cowboy in disbelief says, “Ok, what time is it?” The Indian looks down at his “3:35…” “That’s amazing, your right!” the cowboy says in amazement. So he hops onto his horse and keeps going.

 

Riding along further, he sees the same thing, gets off his horse, and thinking the last Indian was a fluke, asks this one the time. The Indian looks down at his “one eyed bandit” and says “4:40”. The cowboy is stunned, the time was right again! Shaking his head he hops back onto his horse and rides again.

 

After riding a while again, he sees yet another Indian on the ground with his “bald headed champ” except he was jerking off. The cowboy hops off his horse and says, “And what are you doing?” to which the Indian replies, “Me winding clock.

 

 

 

Mother and 3 Daughters

A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding night, she tells each one to write back about their married life.

 

To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a ‘code’ to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

 

The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: ‘Maxwell House Coffee’.

 

 

The mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell House advertisement, and it says, ‘Satisfaction to the last drop…’

 

So the mother is happy.

 

Then the second daughter gets married.

 

After a week, there was a message that read: ‘Rothman’s Mattresses’.

 

So the mother looks at the Rothman’s Mattresses ad, and it says, ‘Full size, king size’.

 

And the mother is happy.

 

Then it comes to the third one’s wedding. Mother is anxious.

 

After four weeks came the message: ‘British Airways’.

 

And the mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted.

 

The ad reads: ‘Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.’

 

NASA and Native Indians

 

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did

some training on a Navajo Indian reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and

came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo,

asked a question which his son translated.

“What are these guys in the big suits doing?”

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip

to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could

send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors,

the NASA folks found a tape recorder.

After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son

to translate it. He refused.

So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where

the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to

translate the elder’s message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government

translator. He reported that the moon message said, “Watch

out for these guys; they have come to steal your land.”

 

Old Native Indian and Chance

An old Indian was standing on a street corner.

Whenever a pretty young thing passed, he’d raise his hand in the traditional Indian salute and say: “Chance. Chance.”

 

A fellow watched this going on after woman after woman passed and finally walked up to the Indian.

 

“Excuse me,” the fellow said. “But I thought Indians were supposed to say How’.” “Me know How,” the Indian said. “Me want Chance.”

 

 

 

Elderly Couple and hot/cold

 

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.

 

After the examination, the doctor then said to the man: “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

 

“In fact, I do,” said the man. “After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”

 

“This is very interesting,” replied the doctor. “Let me do some

research and get back to you.”

 

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

 

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor

than asked: “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and cold and chilly after the second time…. “Do you know why?”

 

“Oh that old buzzard!” she replied. “That’s because the first time is

usually in July and the second time is usually in December.”

 

Woman and bird

A woman gets up, puts up the shades, takes the cover off her parrot’s cage, makes coffee, and has a cigarette. Suddenly the phone rings. Her boyfriend is coming over. She puts out the cigarette, pulls down the shades, puts the cover back on the parrot’s cage, and gets back into bed. The parrot, from under the cloth says: “Well that was a short’ day!”

 

 

Pope and Monica

 

While the Pope was in St. Louis he decided to grant absolution to three sinners.

The first person to come up was O.J. Simpson. The Pope asked, “What is your sin?”

 

“I stabbed two people to death.”

 

The Pope replied, “Kneel down. I’ll bless you and grant you absolution.”

 

Next in line was Bill Clinton. “What was your sin, son?”

 

“I cheated on my wife.” The Philanderer in Chief replied.

 

“Kneel down, my son. I’ll bless you and grant you absolution.”

 

A third person came up and the Pope asked, “What is your name?”

 

“Monica Lewinsky.”

 

The Pope stroked his chin. “Hmmmm. Perhaps you should remain standing.”

 

 

PRIEST GOT UP WRONG

 

A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, “Good morning sisters” and they reply in a sing song manner, “You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”

 

This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says, “Good morning Brother.” The Brother replies in a sing song voice, “You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”

 

The priest was very confused at this and goes on. He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, “Good morning Father.” The priest replies in a sing song manner, “You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”

 

Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, “Father …”

 

The young priest was not going to take any more, even from the bishop. He looks at the bishop and says, “No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”

 

The bishop looks at him stunned and says “What?” The priest realized his mistake and said “I am sorry your holiness, what is it you want.”

 

The bishop looks at him and says, “All I was going to do was ask you why you had on Sister Ann’s shoes?”

 

Little Johnny and Garters

 

Little Johnny’s Teacher A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny Pat?” “Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.” “Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.” The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,”What’s so funny Billy?” “Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.” Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!” This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.” Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. “Where do you think you are going?” she asks. “Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”

 

—-

Big-‘thing’ contest”

A man and his wife were talking and he says, “You know, I was thinking of going down  and entering that big-‘thing’ contest.”

 

“Oh honey,” she exclaims, “I don’t want you taking that out in public!”

 

“But sweet thing,” he says, “the prize is $100!”

 

“I don’t care,” she says, “I don’t want you showing that thing to everybody.”

 

So he lets the subject drop until the following night when his wife walks in on him in the bedroom, counting out a hundred dollars. “Did you go down and enter that big thing contest last night after I told you not to?”

 

“Please forgive me, sweetheart,” he says.

 

“You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?” she says, tears welling up in her eyes.

 

The man looks at her fondly and says, “Only enough to win.”

 

 

 

 

 

Viagra Side Effects

A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast. “An Omlette, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?”

He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

 

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?”

 

Again he declines. “No, thanks. It’s this Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

 

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes.”

 

Once more, he declines. “Again, thanks, but it’s this Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

 

“Well, then”, she says, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m STARVING!”

 

 

 

 

 

Three Women

 

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one en-gaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

 

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S & M role playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes.

 

Sipping her drink,the single girl leered and said, “Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriends office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!”

 

The engaged woman giggled and said, “Thats pretty much my story! When my fianc got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only screwed all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

 

The married woman put her glass down and said, “I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandmas. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a drink and the remote, sat down

and yelled,

 

“Hey, Batman, whats for dinner?”

 

SEX PENSION

 

Two men were talking.

‘So, how’s your sex life?’

‘Oh, nothing special.

I’m having Pension sex.’

‘Pension sex?’

‘Yeah, you know;

I get a little each month,

But not enough to live on!’

 

 

 

 

 

Tattoo parlor

A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000

to put a $100 bill on his penis.  The artist agrees, but is curious and

asks the man why he wants to do this.

The man replies, “I have my reasons which I would rather not tell

right now.”

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job.  But, all the while he is

anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis.

So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and

says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tattoo

if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his penis.

So, the man consents and offers these three reasons:

“First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my

money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife

wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it!

 

Sperm named Stanley

Once upon a time, there was a sperm named Stanley who lived inside

a famous movie actor. Stanley was a very healthy sperm. He’d do push

ups and somersaults and limber himself up all the time, while the

other sperm just lazed around doing nothing. One day, one of the sperm

questioned Stanley and asked why he exercised all day.

Stanley explained, “Look pal, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant,

and when the right time comes, I’m gonna be that one sperm!”

A few days later, all the sperm could feel themselves getting hotter

and hotter. They knew the big swim was imminent. Moments later, they

were released abruptly and, sure enough, Stanley was swimming far ahead

of all the others.

Suddenly, Stanley stopped in his tracks, turned around, and began to

swim back with all his might. “Go back! Go back!” he hollered. “It’s a

blow job!”

 

Man and downtown

A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.

He asks her to “go downtown” so, with a sigh, she gets on

her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals,

looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the

whole business.

After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort

of peeved voice, “Well, just what are you doing?”

She said “I’m doing what I always do when I’m downtown with

no money – just looking.”

 

 

Mother Superior

Mother Superior: “Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you’re

accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?”

Sister Maria: “I would lift my habit, mother Superior.”

Mother Superior (shocked): “And what would you do next?”

Sister Maria: “I would tell him to drop his pants.”

Mother Superior: (even more shocked) “And what then?”

Sister Maria: “I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than

he with his pants down.”

 

A nun and a priest

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and

realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation

was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, near a dry oasis and a wilted palm tree, hoping someone would

come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that

they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and

they discussed their predicament in great depth.

Finally the priest said to the nun, “You know, Sister, I am

about to die, and there’s always been one thing I’ve wanted here on

earth — to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes

so I can look at you?”

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and

then agreed to take off her clothes. One by one she hung her clothes on the palm tree,

As she was doing so, she remarked,

“Well, Father, now that I think about it, I’ve never seen a man naked,

either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?”

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the

nun exclaimed, “Father! What is that little thing hanging between your

legs, it’s getting bigger and bigger?

The priest patiently answered, “That, my child, is a gift from

God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life.”

“Well,” responded the nun, “Why don’t you start with the palm tree.

 

 

Four nuns

Four nuns were standing in line at confession. The priest asks the

first if she has ever sinned.  “Well, once I looked at a man’s penis,” she

said.

“Put some of this holy water on your eyes, and you’re forgiven.

He then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned.  “Well, once I held

a man’s penis,” she replied.

“Put your hand in this holy water and you’re forgiven,” he said.

 

Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun.  Peter asked her,

“Why did you push ahead in line?”

She said, “Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!”

 

 

 

Priests and Soap

There once were two priests, father Dick and father Ray.

 

One day after a very long mass, the two priests decided to hit the showers, halfway through there showers the priests realized that there was no soap.

So, father Ray says to Father dick “I have extra soap in my room, I’ll go get some”.

So he leaves to fetch the soap and doesn’t bother to get dressed becuase who would still be in the church at such a late hour? So he comes back from his room with two bars of soap and is walking down the hall when suddenly he hears voices coming around the corner, so with his quick thinking he froze to the wall, stiff as a statue.

The voices turned out to be that of three nuns, who, when saw him standing there like a statue stopped to look at and admire him complimenting at how realistic he looks and what a nice body he has.

When suddenly one of the nuns reaches out and grabbed his penis.

Startled, he dropped a bar of soap, with this the nun said “Oh look, a soap dispenser”, wanting to test the first nuns theory the second nun reaches out and also grabs his penis, again he drops a bar of soap.

With this the nun says “Yes it’s true, it is a soap dispenser”.

Wanting to get her share of soap and excitement too, the third nun reaches out and grabs his penis.

 

But nothing happened for he was all out of soap, so she goes on yanking and pulling his penis for the next few minutes until, to her delight, she squeals “Oh! Look, handcream!”

—–

A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year.  A few weeks after he got there, he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.  “My love,” he wrote, “we are going to be apart for a very long time.  Already I’m starting to miss you and there’s really not much to do here in the evenings.  Besides that, we’re constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls.  A hobby of some sort would certainly help me resist temptation.”

So his wife sent him back a harmonica, saying, “Why don’t you learn to play this?”

Eventually, his tour of duty came to and end and he rushed back to his wife.  “Darling,” he said, “I can’t wait to ge t you into bed so that we can make passionate love!”

She kissed him and said, “First, let’s see you play that harmonica.”

 

——————

Policeman and blonde

A blonde gets pulled over for speeding. As she hands over her license and registration to the patrolman, she pleads “Officer, is there anyway you can look the other way for this? Another ticket and I’ll have my license revoked. I’ll do ANYTHING.” Taking this as an opportunity, the officer looks around, unzips his pants, and pulls out his member. The woman shakes her head in dismay and sighs “ugh, not another breathalyzer”

Little Johnny and Teacher

So Little Johnny’s teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says “Teacher, I’ll bet you $50 I can guess what colour your underwear is.”

She replies, “Okay, meet me after class and we’ll settle it.”

But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.

After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess.

“Blue.”

“Nope. You got it wrong,”

She says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn’t wearing any underwear.

“Well come with me out to my dads car, he’s waiting for me, and I’ll get you the money.”

She follows him out.

When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn’t wearing any underwear.

His dad exclaims: “That SOB He bet me $100 this morning that he’d see your …. before the end of the day!”

Overweight guy

So an overweight guy is feeling a bit horny, and he’s heard about this place that had advertised that it will make you lose weight before letting you have sex with a beautiful woman. So he decides to check it out.

He gets there and the woman at the front desk tells him there’s a 20 lb plan, a 30 lb plan, and a 50 lb plan. He decides not to go too crazy on his first day and chooses the 20 lb plan. So a beautiful brunette comes out with a sign around her neck, saying “If you catch me, you can have me.” He runs around chasing her all over the place for an hour, at which point he catches her and they have sex. After they’ve finished, he gets on the scale, and, sure enough, he’s lost 20 lbs.

A week goes by, and the man goes back. This time, though, he chooses the 30 lb plan and a beautiful blonde woman comes out with a sign around her neck, saying “If you catch me, you can have me.” He chases her this time for nearly 2 whole hours. Again, he finally catches her and they make love. And again, he gets on the scale after and he has actually lost 30 lbs.

The man goes back after another week, and this time he decides to really go for broke, figuring that this last woman must be the most attractive woman he’s ever seen. He walks in and proclaims loudly, “I want the 50 pound plan!” The woman looks at him skeptically, but says okay. This huge woman comes out with a sign around his neck, saying “If I catch you, I can have you.”

A cucumber, a pickle

“A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are sitting at a bar complaining about their lives. The cucumber says, “My life sucks. I’m put in salads, and, to top them off, they pour ranch dressing all over me. My life sucks.” The pickle says, “That’s nothing compared to my life. I’m put in vinegar and stored away for months, out of sight. Man, my life is boring. I hate life.” So the penis says, “What are you guys complaining about? My life is so messed up that I feel like shooting myself. They constantly wrap me in a plastic bag, shove me in a cave, and make me do push-ups until I throw up.”

 

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, “Please be gentile, I’m still a virgin.” The husband being shocked, replied, “How’s this possible? You’ve been married three times before.” The wife responds, “Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was…oh, do I miss him!”

Newlywed Couple

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.” The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.”Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, “My picture?” He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever”.

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.” At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture”. He beams and asks why and she answers, “So I can get it enlarged!”

Friend owes money

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, “Hi, is Tony home?”

The wife replies, “No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want.”

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says “You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred buck just to see one.”

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell – a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says “That was so amazing I’ve got to see both of them. I’ll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together.”

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, “You know, your friend Chris came over.”

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, “Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”

Grandpa and hairspray

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.” The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your Grandma.”

Squirrels and sandwiches

A woman and her little boy were walking through a park in New York and they pass two squirrels having sex. The little boy asks his mom, “Mommy, mommy, what are they doing?” The lady responded, “They’re making a sandwich.” Then they pass two dogs having sex and the little boy again asks what they were doing. His mother again replied they were making a sandwich. A couple of days later the little boy walks in on his mother and father and said “Mommy, Daddy, you must be making a sandwich because, Mommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth!!!”

Golf & Genie

To celebrate their 7th anniversary, a man and his wife spend the weekend at an exclusive golf resort. He is a pretty good golfer, but she only just started. When they head down to the golf course after a lavish lunch and a bottle of champagne, they notice a beautiful mansion a couple of hundred yards behind the first hole.

 

“Let’s be extra careful, honey,” the husband says, “If we damage that house over there, it’ll cost us a fortune.”

 

The wife nods, tees off and – bang! – sends the ball right through the window of the mansion.

 

“Jesus Christ,” the husband says. “I told you to watch out for that house. Alright, let’s go up there, apologize and see what the damage is.”

 

They walk up to the house and knock on the door.

 

“Come on in,” a voice in the house says.

 

The couple open the door and enter the foyer. The living room is a mess. There are pieces of glass all over the floor and a broken bottle near the window. A man sits on the couch.

 

When the couple enter the room, he gets up and says, “Are you the guys who just broke my window?”

 

“Um, yeah,” the husband replies, “sorry about that.”

 

“Not at all, it’s me who has to thank you. I’m a genie and was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You’ve just released me. To show my gratitude, I’m allowed to grant each of you a wish. But – I’ll require one favor in return.”

 

“Really? That’s great!” the husband says. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”

 

“No problem – that’s the least I can do. And you, what do you want?” the genie asks, looking at the wife.

 

“I want a house in every country of the world,” the wife says.

 

The genie smiles. “Consider it done.”

 

“And what’s this favor we must grant in return, genie?” the husband asks.

 

“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that stupid bottle for the last thousand years, I haven’t had sex with a woman for a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”

 

The husband scratches his head, looks at the wife and says, “Well, we did get a lot of money and all these houses, honey. So I guess I’m fine if it’s alright with you.”

 

The genie and the wife disappear in a room upstairs and make love for an hour, while the husband stays in the living room.

 

When they are done, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife and asks, “How old exactly is your husband?”

 

“31,” she replies.

“And he still believes in genies? That’s amazing!”

Three couples

Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

 

After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. “No problem at all, Pastor,” replies the old man.

 

“Congratulations!” says the pastor. “Welcome to the church.” He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. “It was difficult,” replies the husband. “By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it.”

 

“Congratulations on overcoming temptation,” says the pastor. “Welcome to the church.” He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

 

“At first it was no problem,” says the husband. “But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”

 

“You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church,” says the pastor.

 

“We know,” says the young man. “We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either.”

Mother and daughter

 

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

 

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

 

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

Fireman

A Fireman comes home from work and tells his wife “wow we really have things going good at the firehall. When the captain yells 1 we slide down the pole. When he yells 2 we put on our suits. When he yells 3 were on the truck and on our way. So from now on when I come home and yell 1 you take off your clothes. When I yell 2 jump on the bed. And when I say 3 we will be goin at it.

 

The husband comes home the next day and yells 1 and the wife takes off her clothes. He Yells 2 and she jumps on the bed. He then yells 3 and there going at it.

 

She then yells “4.”

 

He says” What the hell is 4?”

 

The wife said ” Your hose isn’t nearly big enough and your getting no where close to the fire!”

Farmer and his son

A farmer and his son were in the fields one morning doing their chores.

After a while a butterfly came floating around. So the son watched the butterfly until it landed, and then ran over and stepped on it. The farmer saw this and ran over to his son, “Boy, what the hell do you think you’re doing?! On this farm we don’t hurt innocent creatures! Just for that no butter for a year!”

A little while later a honeybee comes buzzing around. So the son watches the bee until it lands, and then runs over and steps on it. The farmer is there in a flash, “Boy, what did I tell you?! Just for that no honey for a year, and don’t let me catch you again!”

Lunchtime rolls around and the farmer’s wife calls he husband and son in. As they’re walking into the kitchen a c*ckroach goes scurrying by. So the farmer’s wife waits for the roach to stop, and then runs over and squishes it. The farmer’s son looks at his dad with a big smirk, “So pa do you wanna tell her or should I?!”

Guy and girl

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.

 

They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a virgin and wants to stay that way.

 

“Well, OK,” he says, “How a ’bout a blow job?”

 

“EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!” she screams. “I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”

 

He says, “Well, then, how about a hand job?”

 

“I’ve never done that,” she says. “What do I have to do?”

 

“Well,” he answers, “Remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?” She nods. “Well, it’s just like that.”

 

So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close and he screams out in pain.

 

“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.

 

“TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!”

Superglue

Giggling Boy A boy comes down stairs for breakfast and asks his grandma “Has my mom and dad come down stairs yet?” The grandma says “no” the boy giggles and goes out side to play He came back in for lunch and askd again the gramma says “no” he giggles and goes out side to play He later comes in for dinner and asks once again “Have my mom and dad come downstairs yet?” She says “no” he giggles Finnally she asks him why he keeps giggling when he asks that the boy said “Last night dad asked me for the lubricant but instead I gave him super glue”

 

Who Enjoys Sex

Who Enjoys Sex More A man and a woman were having drinks at a business conference when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” “That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?”

 

Three female co-workers

Three female co-workers are chatting it up, and they are discussing the men in their lives and what that have in common with soda. The first one says mine is 7 Up, because he had 7 inches and he knew how to keep it up. The second said mountain dew, because when it came to mounting he knew what to do. The third woman thought how will she top that. Oh yeah she chimed , mine is called Squirt, it’s small but his gusher can pop any time.

 

Sixth grade science teacher

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: “Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?” Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. “Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?” Mary stands up, blushing furiously. “How dare you ask such a question?” she says. “I’m going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!” Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary’s reaction, but undaunted.  She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand. “Yes, Sam?” says Mrs. Sampson.  “Ma’am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye.” “Very good, Sam. Thank you.”  Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, “Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it’s clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed.”

Joining the Monastery 

So this guy’s tired of life and fed up with life, so he goes to join the monastery. But there’s a recruitment test. As the Abbott explains to the potential 10 recruits, “My sons, we must be sure that you won’t be troubled by sexual impulses if join the order. So we have a test for all our prospective members. Open your zips, sit on the bench, and attach a bell to the end of your penises. When the a woman comes into the room, any man whose bell rings will have failed the test. He won’t be allowed to join our order, and must leave at once, for he will be sorely troubled with sexual thoughts while he is in our midst.”

So the men, young and old alike, sit on the bench with a little bell tied to the end of their penises waiting expectantly. Then a beautiful woman  waltzes into the room and starts walking slowly down the line, teasing the men as she goes. She sticks her finger in her mouth and strokes her breasts and bells start to ring.  Three men leave the room. The woman then starts to unbutton her blouse  and her cleavage starts to show. More bells starts starts to ring. Three more leave. Now she is topless, and more bells start to ring and the room empties out. There is only one man left standing. The Abbott goes and congratulates  him. Only you have the willpower to overcome sexual thoughts and can join the monastery. I’m curious though she was a gorgeous woman how did you do it? He paused, shrugged his shoulders and said I took Viagra last night!

 

Condom joke

Xtra large, large, and small, and cleanup in isle 3

 

Parish Priest 

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. “Of course, my son,” said the priest. “Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.” “That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest. “It’s worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,” continued the old man. “Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest. “Thanks, Father,” said the old man.  “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?” “Of course, my son,” said the priest.  The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”.

 

Zipper 

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady Cashier walked up to him and said, “Your barracks door is open.” Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a Bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, “Your fly is open.” He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his “barracks door” He was planning to have a little fun with her; so when he reached the counter he said, “When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?” The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, “No, no I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.

African Bush 

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel on an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.  When a male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.  Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, “How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?”  The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.  A few days later, the wife asked the husband “How is our little tribal experiment coming along?”  “Well, it looks like we’re about half way there” he replied.  “Wow, you mean it’s grown to 12 inches?”  “No, it’s turned black.”

Split Couple 

The couple had split-up a few months ago, but still remained good friends, which worked out pretty good, since they lived in the same apartment building. The man slipped on the ice and broke his arm.  He met his ex-girlfriend in the elevator and she asked if  there was anything she could do to help. He said, “Well, if it’s not too trouble, could you help me take a bath?” She readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual erection begin to appear.  “Now isn’t that sweet,” she cooed. “Look Henry, it still recognizes me.”

 

Patrol Officer

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.

 

“I’ve pulled you over for speeding, Ma’am. Could I see your drivers license?” “What’s a license?” replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. “It’s usually in your wallet,” replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

 

“Now may I see your registration?” asked the cop. “Registration….. what’s that….?” asked the blonde. “It’s usually in your glove compartment,” said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. “I’ll be back in a minute.” said the cop and walked back to his car.

 

The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, “Ummm… is this woman driving a red sports car?” “Yes.” replied the officer “Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?” asked the dispatcher. “Uh… yes.” replied the cop. “Here’s what you do,” said the dispatcher. “Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants.” “What? I can’t do that. It’s… inappropriate.” exclaimed the cop.

 

“Trust me. Just do it.” said the dispatcher. So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs… “Ohh no… not another breathalyzer…”

 


 

Wedding

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in
white?”

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is
the happiest day of her life,” her mother tried to
explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said,
“So why’s the groom wearing black?”

First Time Sex
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
“Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, ‘I had no idea you were this religious.’

The boy turns, and whispers back,
‘I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.’

Teacher and Fruit

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. “Now class, I’m going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I’m talking about. Okay, first: it’s round, plumb and red.”

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered “An apple.” The teacher replied, “No Deborah, it’s a beet, but I like your thinking.” Now for the second. It’s soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish.”

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. “Is it a peach?” Billy asks. “No, Billy, I’m afraid it’s a potato. But I like your thinking,” the teacher replies. Here’s another: it’s long, yellow, and fairly hard.”

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. “A banana,” she says. “No,” the teacher replies, “it’s a squash, but I like your thinking.”

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. “Hey, I’ve got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I’ve got it: it’s round, hard, and it got a head on it.” “Johnny!” she cries. “That’s disgusting!” “Nope,” answers Johnny, “it’s a quarter, but I like your thinking!”

 

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband,
“Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or
4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the
cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled
out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled
approvingly.

She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all
crumpled up?”

“Uh…no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his
voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt,
and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties…
and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing
a little quicker with anticipation.

“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all
crumpled up?”

“No way!” he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused
and excited.

“Well, go look in the garage,” she said.

After 20 Years Of Marriage

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one
evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle
her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time. It almost
tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then
began moving down past the small of her back. He then
caressed her shoulders and neck slowly worked his hand
down over her breasts stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm,
caressed past the side of her breast again, working down
her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg
to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping
just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in
the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped,
rolled over and started to watch the TV.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she
asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you
stop”

He said,”I found the remote”.

Couple Discuss Sex As A Typewriter

Mark and Sharon decide they don’t want to discuss sex in front
of their 4 and 6 year old children, so they decide to talk in
code. To indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting
their children in on it, they decided on the word “typewriter.”

One day Mark is feeling a little bit turned on and says to Katie,
“Tell your mother I would really like to type a letter.”

Katie runs off to find her mom. ” Mommy, mommy”, shouts Katie,
“Daddy would like to type a letter.”

Sharon replies slightly sheepishly, “Katie, go and tell your
daddy that he can’t type a letter today as there is a red ribbon
in the typewriter.”

Katie tears off to her father and says, “Daddy, daddy, mommy says
you can’t type a letter today as there is a red ribbon in the
typewriter.”

A few days later Sharon remembers that Mark was a little bit keen
on a bit of nookie and she called Katie, “Katie, tell your daddy
that he can type that letter today.”

Katie went off to look for her father and told him, “Daddy, mommy
says you can type the letter today.”

“Thats OK, Katie”, Mark says, “You can tell your mother that I
don’t need the typewriter any more, I wrote the letter by hand.”

Newly Weds And The Parrot

A young newly married couple inherited a parrot from an aged
relative. This parrot was very talkative, and was forever
informing visitors as to what went on in the newlyweds’ home.
One evening, after a very embarassing comment from the bird,
the husband had enough and said to the parrot, “that’s it!
You will be covered up much earlier in the future, and if you
take your cage cover off or embarass us again, you will be
sent to the Zoo.”

A couple days later the couple were preparing for a short trip,
and as usual, the suitcase was too full to close. So the
husband said, “I’ll get on top and jump up and down and you
see if you can get it.”

After a bit the wife said, “This is no good. I’ll get on top
and you see if you can get it.”

This still did not work, and so the husband said, “Tell you
what, let’s both get on top and bounce up and down – that’ll
get it.”

With this, the parrot pulled off the cage cover and said, “Zoo
or no zoo, this I have got to see.”

Doctor Helps Couple’s Sex Life

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the
joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a
case if he felt he could not help them. The Smiths came to
see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams,
psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded,
“Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.

“On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store
and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off
your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the
floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife’s love canal.
Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a
leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.”

“Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from
across the room, toss them at your husband until you make
a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you
must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.”

The couple went home and their sex life became more and
more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. ? Mrs. Green that they should
see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and
said he would not take the case unless he felt that he
could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and
the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. “I cannot help you,
so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life
is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.

“The Greens pleaded with him, and said, “You helped our
friends the Smiths, now please, please help us.”

“Well, all right”, the doctor said. “On your way home from
the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples
and a box of Cheerios…”

Husband Visits Witch Doctor For Impotency

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is
unable to “perform” anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his
doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him “this is all in your mind”,
and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the
shrink, the shrink confess, ” I am at a loss as to how you
could possibly be cured.”

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor. The
witch doctor says, “I can cure this”, and throws some powder
on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke …
The witch doctor says “This is powerful healing but you can
only use it once a year! All you have to do is say ‘123’ and
it shall rise for as long as you wish!”

The guy then asks the witch doctor “What happens when it’s
over?” The witch doctor says “all you have to say is ‘1234’
and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for
a year!”

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his
wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and
says “123”, and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns
over and says “What did you say ‘123’ for???”

 

Superglue

Giggling Boy A boy comes down stairs for breakfast and asks his grandma “Has my mom and dad come down stairs yet?” The grandma says “no” the boy giggles and goes out side to play He came back in for lunch and askd again the gramma says “no” he giggles and goes out side to play He later comes in for dinner and asks once again “Have my mom and dad come downstairs yet?” She says “no” he giggles Finnally she asks him why he keeps giggling when he asks that the boy said “Last night dad asked me for the lubricant but instead I gave him super glue”

 

Who Enjoys Sex

Who Enjoys Sex More A man and a woman were having drinks at a business conference when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” “That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?”

Three female co-workers are chatting it up, and they are discussing the men in their lives and what that have in common with soda. The first one says mine is 7 Up, because he had 7 inches and he knew how to keep it up. The second said mountain dew, because when it came to mounting he knew what to do. The third woman thought how will she top that. Oh yeah she chimed , mine is called Squirt, it’s small but his gusher can pop any time.

Biology Class

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: “Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?” Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. “Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?” Mary stands up, blushing furiously. “How dare you ask such a question?” she says. “I’m going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!” Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary’s reaction, but undaunted.  She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand. “Yes, Sam?” says Mrs. Sampson.  “Ma’am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye.” “Very good, Sam. Thank you.”  Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, “Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it’s clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed.”

ondoms

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”. To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh I see.”, replied the boy, pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and ask, “Why are there 3 in this package?”
The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”
“Cool!” says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men”, the dad answers, “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy;” Then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men, One for January, one for February, one for March…”

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn’t got out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she’ll go out but says she doesn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, “Mum! I have someone for you to meet.”
Well, they hit it off immediately and, after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the countryside.
Their first night away, she undresses as he does. There she stands, nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her, he asks, “Why the black panties?”
She replies, “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore but, down there, I am still in mourning.”
He knows he’s not getting lucky that night.
The following night, the same scenario. She’s standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit… except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, “What’s with this? A black condom?”
He replies, “I want to offer my deepest condolences.”

Elderly couple

An elderly couple, John and Betty, are in Texas for the winter. John always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife: “Notice anything different about me?”

Betty looks him over and says, “Nope.”

Frustrated, John storms off into the bathroom, strips and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?”

Betty looks up and says, “John, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, John yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, BETTY? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!”

To which Betty replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, John. Shoulda bought a hat.”

It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities.

 

e New Psychologist

John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, �Once a year!� To John’s dismay, he responds, �Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?� The grinning guy responds, “Tonight�s the night!”

Schoolboy and Q&A with Teacher

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
“Yeah teach?” he replies.
“If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?” asks the teacher.
Matt answers “Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off.”
“No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you’re thinking.” the teacher responds.
“Well, teach, I’ve got a question for you… There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?”
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, “Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that’s sucking on the ice cream.”
Matt replies “No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking!”

Three Sisters

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn’t afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn’t afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn’t sleep.
When she went past her oldest daughter’s room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter’s room and she couldn’t hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, “Why were you screaming last night?” The daughter replied “Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream.”
“That’s true.” She looked at her second daughter. “Why were you laughing so much last night?”

The daughter replied “Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh.”

“That’s also true.” Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. “Why was it so quiet in your room last night?”
The youngest daughter replied “Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full.”

 

Husband Wife and Insatiable appetite for sex

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, “Why don’t we get it on, eh?” She replies, “I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don’t like to make love the night before.” So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.
A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, “You don’t by any chance have a dentist’s appointment tomorrow, do you?”

Condoms
A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, “What are these things daddy?” His dad said, “Condoms son.” The boy asked, “Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?” The dad replied, “The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March….”

Deaf married couple

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. “Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. “The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis … fifty times”

 

Boobs & Willies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions’. ‘Onions?’ ‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, ‘Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?’

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree’. ‘A Christmas tree?’ ‘Yes – dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.’

 

Firetruck

Boy: Let’s play the firetruck game.
Girl: How do we play?
Boy: I run my fingers up your leg, and you say “Redlight” when you want me to stop.
Girl: Okay
*Few seconds later*
Girl: Redlight!!!
Boy: Firetrucks don’t stop for redlights

The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”

“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the
prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”

Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, “Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Female vs Male Geography

FEMALE GEOGRAPHY

– Between 18 and 25, a woman is like Africa : wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas.
– Between 26 and 34, a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money.
– Between 35 and 44, a woman is like Italy : sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty.
– Between 45 and 54, a woman is like France : deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit.
– Between 55 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia : a lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past.
Major reconstruction work is mostly the only answer.
– Between 61 and 65, a woman is like Russia : vast, with undefined frontier. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors.
– Between 66 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia : a glorious past, great conquests, but without a future.
– After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan or the north pole: many know its whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there…
MALE GEOGRAPHY

– Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe or America : ruled by a di–…

 

Man and Woman with Perfect Breasts

A man was walking down the street when he saw a woman with the perfect, and I mean PERFECT, breasts he’d ever seen.

He walked up to her and said, “Ma’am, you have perfect breasts, and I will pay you $100 to bite them.” The woman was horrified and began to walk away.

The man caught her and said, “Alright, I’ll pay you $1,000 to bite your breasts.” Still horrified, the woman began to run away.

The man caught her again and said, “Fine. I’ll pay you $10,000 to bite your breasts, and not a penny more.” The woman then thinks that $10,000 will be worth it, so she finally agreed.

They went into a deserted alley away from the city action. The woman took off her shirt and bra, revealing the perfect breasts. The man then began to touch, squeeze, fondle, poke, and everything to the woman’s breasts EXCEPT biting them.

The woman then said, “Well, are you gonna bite them or not?!”

The man replied, “Nah, too expensive.”

 

Husband and Wife

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says: “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear:

“Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”

 

Husband and Roles

It’s not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

  1. a friend
    2. a companion
    3. a lover
    4. a brother
    5. a father
    6. a master
    7. a chef
    8. an electrician
    9. a carpenter
    10. a plumber
    11. a mechanic
    12. a decorator
    13. a stylist
    14. a sexologist
    15. a gynaecologist
    16. a psychologist
    17. a pest exterminator
    18. a psychiatrist
    19. a healer
    20. a good listener
    21. an organiser
    22. a good father
    23. very clean
    24. sympathetic
    25. athletic
    26. warm
    27. attentive
    28. gallant
    29. intelligent
    30. funny
    31. creative
    32. tender
    33. strong
    34. understanding
    35. tolerant
    36. prudent
    37. ambitious
    38. capable
    39. courageous
    40. determined
    41. true
    42. dependable
    43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. Give her compliments regularly.
45. Love shopping.
46. Be honest.
47. Be very rich.
48. Not stress her out.
49. Not look at other girls.
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

  1. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself.
    51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself.
    52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.
  2. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT to never forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

=========================================
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

  1. Feed him.
    2. Sex him.
    3. Shut Up.

 

Which Bra are You?

A man walked into the ladies department of Myer’s and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.”
“What type of bra?” asked the clerk.
“Type?” inquires the man, “There’s more than one type?”
“Look around,” said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. “Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .”
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: “There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?”
The man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses; The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen; The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.”
* * * * *
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? It is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs {B} Barely there {C} Can’t Complain! {D} Dang! {DD} Double dang! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake {G} Get a Reduction {H} Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!
Then there’s the German bra: Holtzemfromfloppen

 

Shopping

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday.  She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants.  So, I’m stumped.” His buddy said, “I have an idea.  Why don’t you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it.  She’ll probably be thrilled!”  So the first fella did just that.  The next day his buddy asked, “Well, did you take my suggestion?  How did it turn out?”  “She loved it.  She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, ‘I’ll see you in two hours’.”

 

Medicine Man

A man with erectile dysfunction goes to a Medicine Man for a fixer upper on his anniversary. The medicine man hands him a powder and says sprinkle this on and say 1,2,3. Your troubles will be gone.

“What do i do when I want it to go down?”

‘You say 1,2,3,4. BUT once you say that it won’t work again til the next full moon.”

So man goes home and he sprinkles the stuff on and he’s getting all excited and starts tearing off his clothes and his wife comes in and she starts tearing off her clothes. man says, ‘1,2,3.”

His wife looks at him puzzled and asks, “What did you say 1,2,3 for?”

 

Viagra

A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast. ” Waffles, Eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?”

He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?”

Again he declines. “No, thanks. It’s this Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes…?”

Once more, he declines. “Again, thanks, but it’s this Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

“Well, then”, she says, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m  STARVING!”

The typewriter

A husband and wife decided they needed to use certain phrases to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on their sex life.

The husband told his five year old daughter,” Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter.” The child told her mom what her dad had said and her mother responded telling her young child, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now because there’s a red ribbon in the typewriter.”

A few days later mom told her child,” Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.”

The child told her father and came back to her mother and gave the fathers response, “Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.”

 

Three women and laundry

Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard.  When it rains,

however, the laundry always get wet.  All the laundry, that is, except for

Sophie’s.  The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on

the days that it rains.

 

So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line

when one of the women says to Sophie, “Say, how come when it rains, your

laundry is never out?”

 

“Well,” says Sophie, “when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If

his penis is hanging over his *right* leg, I know it’s going to be a great day,

and I can hang out the wash.  If his penis is hanging over his *left* leg, I

know it’s going to rain, so I don’t hang out the wash.”

 

“What if he has an erection?” asks one of the women.

 

“Honey,” says Sophie, “on a day like *that*, you don’t do the *laundry*.”

 

 

Opposite meaning

A husband said to his wife, “If you want to have sex, stroke my penis one time. If you don’t want sex stroke it a hundred times.

Teacher and Penis

The teacher enters her class on the Monday morning and there’s a drawing of a small penis on the blackboard. She immediately lifts the duster and rubs it off. The next morning there’s a sketch of a larger penis on the board. The teacher once again proceeds to erase the offensive diagram. On the third morning the drawing is larger still and as the mistress is busy with the duster erasing the chalk little Suzie shouts out “It’s no use Miss. The more you rub it the larger it gets”

Help

A couple had split-up a few months ago, but still remained good friends, which worked out pretty good, since they lived in the same apartment building. The man slipped on the ice and broke his arm.  He met his ex-girlfriend in the elevator and she asked if  there was anything she could do to help. He said, “Well, if it’s not too trouble, could you help me take a bath?” She readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual erection begin to appear.  “Now isn’t that sweet,” she cooed. “Look, it still recognizes me.”

Fireman

A Fireman comes home from work and tells his wife “wow we really have things going good at the firehall. When the captain yells 1 we slide down the pole. When he yells 2 we put on our suits. When he yells 3 were on the truck and on our way. So from now on when I come home and yell 1 you take off your clothes. When I yell 2 jump on the bed. And when I say 3 we will be goin at it.

The husband comes home the next day and yells 1 and the wife takes off her clothes. He Yells 2 and she jumps on the bed. He then yells 3 and there going at it.

She then yells “4.”

He says” What the hell is 4?”

The wife said ” Your hose is in trouble it’s getting nowhere close to the fire!”

New bride

A young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly, “What’s that?” pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, “Well, that’s what we had so much fun with last night.”

And she, in amazement, asked, “Is that all we have left?”

Teacher and Fruit

 

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. “Now class, I’m going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I’m talking about. Okay, first: it’s round, plumb and red.”

 

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered “An apple.” The teacher replied, “No Deborah, it’s a beet, but I like your thinking.” Now for the second. It’s soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish.”

 

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. “Is it a peach?” Billy asks. “No, Billy, I’m afraid it’s a potato. But I like your thinking,” the teacher replies. Here’s another: it’s long, yellow, and fairly hard.”

 

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. “A banana,” she says. “No,” the teacher replies, “it’s a squash, but I like your thinking.”

 

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. “Hey, I’ve got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I’ve got it: it’s round, hard, and it got a head on it.” “Johnny!” she cries. “That’s disgusting!” “Nope,” answers Johnny, “it’s a quarter, but I like your thinking!”

 

 

 

A young lady was sat on an airplane when she suddenly sneezed, “Aaaaatchooooooooo! Ooooooh oh yeah.”

 

The man sat next to her asked if she was okay. She replied, “I’m wonderful, never felt better.”

 

A short while later she sneezed again, “Aaaaatchoooo! Oh my god! oh yeah!”

 

Again the man enquired if she was okay. She replied, “Ooooh wonderful, never felt better.”

 

A few minutes later she does it again, “Aaaatchooooooooooo! Oh uh uh oh yeah oh god yeah!”

 

The man by this time was a bit concerned, he enquired again, “are you okay? What’s with all the moaning?”

 

She replied, “I have a medical condition, every time I sneeze, I orgasm.”

 

“Wow!”, replied the man, “Are you taking anything for it?”

 

“Yes”, she answered, “Pepper.”

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

 

“Olympic condoms?” she blurts. “What makes them so special?”

 

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

 

“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asks cheekily.

 

“Let’s start with Bronze”

 

The next time they have sex, he asks how was it?

 

It was a slow start, nothing extraordinary.

 

Th next night, What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asks.

 

“I’m moving to Silver”

 

After sex, he asks how was it?

 

It was a slow start, but you reall picked up the pace, half way through.

 

Th next night, I assume you’re going for gold she said?

 

Absolutley, he said with confidence.

 

After sex, he asked, so how was it?

 

Great, but next time can you wait to get to the finish line before you shout and raise your hands.

 

16 year old and condom

 

I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

 

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

 

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, “No, this is my first time.”

 

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

 

“Just a minute.” she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

 

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.

“Do these excite you?” she asked.

 

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

 

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk.

“Well, come on,” she said, “we don’t have much time.”

 

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.

 

She looked at me with a bit of a frown, “Did you put that condom on?” she asked.

 

I said, “I sure did.” and held up my thumb to show her.

 

She fainted.

 

I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

 

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

 

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, “No, this is my first time.”

 

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

 

“Just a minute.” she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

 

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.

“Do these excite you?” she asked.

 

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

 

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk.

“Well, come on,” she said, “we don’t have much time.”

 

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.

 

She looked at me with a bit of a frown, “Did you put that condom on?” she asked.

 

I said, “I sure did.” and held up my thumb to show her.

 

She fainted.

 

Karen the widow

 

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn’t got out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she’ll go out but says she doesn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, “Mum! I have someone for you to meet.”

Well, they hit it off immediately and, after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the countryside.

Their first night away, she undresses as he does. There she stands, nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her, he asks, “Why the black panties?”

She replies, “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore but, down there, I am still in mourning.”

He knows he’s not getting lucky that night.

The following night, the same scenario. She’s standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit… except that he is wearing a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, “What’s with this? A black condom?”

He replies, “I want to offer my deepest condolences.”

 

Teacher and Student, what gets to heaven first.

 

On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class Which

part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think your mind goes

to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe

in God.

The teacher praises the little girl.

Then a little boy raises his hand and says, “I think your heart goes

to heaven first because God is all about love.

“Very good,” said the teacher.

The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny’s hand up.

“Oh no”, she thought, “I’m not gonna like this. Little Johnny,

which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?”

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, “Your feet.”

The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.

He replied, “Well, I was walking past my parent’s bedroom last night

and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, “Oh god, I’m coming!’

 

Muslim in Paradise

 

A Muslim man died (that is NOT the joke)

 

and when he arrived in Paradise, he was met by the great Prophet Moses, who showed him around.

 

They saw all the beautiful trees, and met with many other Muslims. By and by, they came across a large Temple with a giant throne, encrusted in Jewels. All around it stood massive soldiers, and around them darted many happy-faced children.

 

“Who are they?” Asked the Muslim man

 

“They are the Children of Israel.” Said Moses “They have come to paradise and recieved what they sought. Triumph, strength and recognition.”

 

The Muslim man nodded, and on they went. Next they came across a large meadow filled with people of many different backgrounds, all sitting happily and eating a giant Potluck dinner.

 

“Who are they?” Asked the Muslim man

 

“They are the Christians. They came to paradise and found peace and harmony among all people”.

 

The muslim man smiled, and on the went. By and by they came across a GIANT white fence, with a large sign “Do not Enter”

 

“Who are they?” Asked the muslim man, with a frown.

 

“Oh, them?” Said moses “Those are the Muslims” then he bent down and whispered into the Muslim man’s ear “They think they’re the only ones here”.

 

A Muslim man, a Samurai and a Ninja

A Muslim man, a Samurai, and a Ninja are in a dojo. The master asks if they can cut this fly right open. If they can, they are hired.

The Samurai goes first, and cuts the fly in half with a katana. the master likes this, and goes to the ninja, the ninja slings his throwing stars, and the fly is in quarters. The master is pleased, and he is hired. The Muslim goes next. Takes out a sword, and proceeds to cut. the fly is still flying around though. The master is confused. “Why is the fly still alive?” he asks.

 

The Muslim replies: “Sure, you can kill a fly, but circumcision, that takes skill!”

 

A imam and a priest

A imam and a priest are on an airplane together

 

the priest asks the imam if judaism still prohibits eating pork. the imam said it does

 

the priest asks the imam has he ever eaten pork. the imam said he did one time

 

the imam asks the priest if his vows require him to be celibate. the priest said they do

 

the imam asks the priest if he had ever had sex. the priest admitted one time he did

 

the imam says beats the hell out of a pork sandwich doesn’t it

 

 

 

Two guys in the Sahara desert

 

Two guys were lost in the Sahara desert, one is David and the other is Michael. They were dying of hunger and thirst when they suddenly came upon what looked like a mosque.

David says to Michael, “Look, let’s pretend we’re Muslim, otherwise we’ll not get any food or drink. I’m going to call myself ‘Mohammed’.

Michael refused to change his name. He said, “My name is Michael and I won’t pretend to be anyone else.

 

The Imam of the mosque received both well and asked their names.

David said, “My name is Mohammed.”

Michael said, “My name is Michael.”

 

The Imam turned to his helpers and said, “Please bring some food and water for Michael only.”

 

Then he turned to the other and said, “Marhaba Mohammed, Ramadan Kareem.”

Official Visits

An african ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

 

On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, “As your stay is coming to an end, it’s time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded – you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger.”

 

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

 

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

 

The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

 

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, “Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette”. He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.

 

The African ambassador said, “These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex take your pick”.

 

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn’t see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, “Well, ok, great, but where’s the roulette part? Where’s the danger?”

 

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

 

“One of them’s a cannibal.”

 

Sexless Marriage

After being married for a while father asked his son how is married life.

Really bad he says.

Why?

I married a nun.

I thought she was a banker

No every morning or night I ask  for sex, she says no.

OK?

Well, unless I beg for it.

 

 

Violent Erection

 

 

This guy has a crush on a girl at his work. He is dying to ask her out on a date, but every time he sees her he gets the biggest

erection ever. There is nothing he can do to control it.

After some time, he decides to get her phone number and call her up.

This way he won’t have to see her and he won’t get too excited.

 

He ends up asking her out and she says yes. He figures what he’ll do is tie his penis to his leg so when he sees her it’ll be tied to his leg and

she’ll never notice it. He gets to her house. When he knocks on her door, she answers the door in a sexy lingerie. He kicks her and knocks her out.

 

Confession

One day a lady went into a confessional and said to the father.

Father I called a man a son of a bitch. can I be forgiven.

The father then replied what did he do to you. She retold the story.

I was walking down the street when a man came up to me and grabbed my ass.

the priest interrupts and grabs her ass and says “Like this” she says “yes just like that”

the priest replies well that is no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”

So she went on then he grabbed my breast. is it ok now.

Like this said the priest as he grabbed her breast.

Yes just like that. Is it ok now. No replied the priest. She then proceeded.

Then he stuck his member in me. Like this replied the priest, as he entered her.

Yes she said. Is it ok now. No that is still no reason to call him a son of a bitch.

She then told him the last part. Then he told me he had herpes. The priest replied “why that son of a bitch!”

 

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

 

  1. Compliment her, 2. cuddle her, 3. kiss her, 4. caress her, 5. love her, 6. stroke her, 7. tease her, 8. comfort her, 9. protect her, 10. hug her, 11. hold her, 12. spend money on her, 13. wine & dine her, 14. buy things for her, 15. listen to her, 16. care for her, 17. stand by her, 18. support her, 19. go to the ends of the earth for her….

 

 

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: 1.Show up naked.

If the Walls Had Ears

 

The boy just takes the girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, “Sweetie, why don’t you give me a blowjob?”.

 

“What ? You’re crazy???!!!”

“Don’t worry, it will be quick, no problem.”

“No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor…”

“At this time of the night no one will show up..”

“I’ve already said NO, and NO!”

“Honey, it’s just a small blowie… I know you like it too..”

“NO!!! I’ve said NO!!!”

“My love.. don’t be like that..”

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says. “Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God’s sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!”

 

Virgins…

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor.

He says, “How bad is it doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way.”

The doc said , “I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.”

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them.

She says, “You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts.”

He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, “And look at this, it’s still in the CRATE!”

 

Priest, Minister and Rabbi – Cover Your Face

 

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot.

They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their “freedom.” As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in MY congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”

 

 

Shipwrecked

A man was shipwrecked on an isolated island with nobody for . Months go by.  Then one day, a pretty girl was washed ashore almost lifeless, a victim of another shipwreck. After some furious efforts at resuscitation, the man managed to revive the girl. The girl was profusely thankful. “I’ll do anything for you for saving my life,” she said, “anything.” “Good!”, said the love-struck man happily. Can you do my laundry.

 

Got Milk?

There was a gentleman living in a small village who had a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a

nursing mother.

Well, there weren’t too many women in the village nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man to suck on their breast. But low and behold, the poor man finally found a rather buxom young girl who had recently given birth and was willing to help him out–for a price.

The man was desperate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the woman the amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a newborn baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to their fate.

The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit of anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to suckle the woman’s breast.

Well, weeks went by and the awkwardness began to fade.

One day, the woman realized that the man’s suckling was beginning to arouse her sexually. It became almost unbearable and finally, in a sensuous voice, she said, “Is there anything else you’d like?”

The man paused in his suckling for a moment, looked up at her, and said, “Yeah, got any cookies?”

TRUCK DRIVER

A trucker was driving his fully-loaded rig to the top of a steep hill. Just as he was starting down the equally steep other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road, making love. He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down the on them. He realized that they were not about to get out of his way, so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Furious, he got out of his cab and walked to the front of his truck. He looked down at the two, still on the road, and yelled, “What the heck is the matter with you two? Didn’t you hear me blowing the horn ? You could have been killed!”

The man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said, “Look I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.

 

How Do You Unlock the Door?

One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said, “Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door.”

So the guy says, “Well, give me some examples.”

The girlfriend proceeds to tell him, “Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn’t for me.

Then she said, “The second way is if a man fumbles around and can’t seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn’t for me either.” Then she said, “Honey, how do you unlock your door?”

He then proceeded to say, “Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock.”

Lowing the Sex Drive

“You’re in remarkable shape for a man your age,” said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.

“I know it,” said the old gentleman. “I’ve really got only one complaint – my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?”

The doctor’s mouth dropped open. “Your what?!” he gasped.

“My sex drive,” said the old man. “It’s too high, and I’d like to have you lower it if you can.”

“Lower it?!” exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. “Just what do you consider ‘high’?”

“These days it seems like it’s all in my head, Doc,” said the old man, “and I’d like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can.”

 

Chinese Torture Tests

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he’s hopelessly lost. It’s been nearly three weeks since he’s eaten anything besides what he could forage and he’s been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he

comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can’t see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

 

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says “What do you want?”

 

The man says “I’ve been lost for the past three weeks and haven’t had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight”

 

The old Chinese man says “I’ll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my maid”

 

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying “I promise I won’t cause you any trouble. I’ll be on my way tomorrow morning”

 

The old Chinese man counters “Ok, but if I do catch you then I’ll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man.”

 

“Ok, Ok” the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

 

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the maid was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn’t keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

 

That night, the man snuck into the girls’ bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, “Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience.”

 

Well, the next morning the man awoke to find a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying “1st Chinese torture test: 50 kg rock on your chest”.

 

“What a lame torture test” the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying “2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to RIGHT testicle”.

 

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying “3rd worst Chinese torture test: LEFT testicle tied to bedpost”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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